What to Get the Guy Who Has Everything

I am a follower of Jesus, both in faith and on Twitter (shout-out @jesus, what up?) and as such, feel obligated to celebrate his birthday the normal way — buying him last-minute gifts. I pondered and debated yet one question remained: What do you get the guy who possesses all?

Using social-media prowess, I polled the magical worlds of Facebookland and Twitterverse. The Twats had little to say. The FBetches were marginally more helpful.

Suggestions from Facebook “Friends” aka People I Know But May Not Have Seen in Five+ Years:

  • Socks. This one’s out since Jesus tweeted NOT to give him socks. Picky, picky.
  • Big Top Cookie. I like the idea but have recently developed a problem giving away anything that I secretly (or not so secretly) want. Selfish, yes. Smart, yesser.
  • Chocolate. The quintessential catch-all when you’re in a bind, my main issue with this is that I give Him chocolate every spring to commemorate his death and resurrection. It’s also much cuter in egg and bunny form.
  • Good children. Clearly, my mother meant SHE would give Jesus good children. Who isn’t pregnant and won’t be for quite some time to come? This guy.
  • Singing at Christmas Eve mass. This gift is plausible because it’s free and only involves me attending church, which I do at least twice a year anyway. However, is it much of a gift if it sounds like cats dying combined with a car accident?
  • Frankincense and myrrh. Albeit a copycat choice, this one would have been a wonderful selection. Only problem is, Bath & Body Works did not have them on sale as promised and I am not made of money.

So where does this leave me? Back to square one. The only silver lining is that I’m not Jewish and thus am not responsible for eight gifts a giving.

I ended up settling on some song (and dance) during Christmas Eve mass and behaving myself as best I could at the family’s annual Chinese Auction. NOTE: You may know it as a Yankee Swap or White Elephant Exchange, but PC people we are not.

It’s not much of a gift but it’s the thought that counts, right? Yeah, the only people who believe that are the same people who think Christmas isn’t all about presents. Talk about self-righteous.

As far as I’m concerned, me and the J-Man are still good. I know I’m going to have to step up my game next year and really make up for my procrastination. I wonder if He’d like a lovely selection of fine wines and bread? The stuff they serve every Sunday just doesn’t please my palate and he probably feels the same.

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About Wittyburg

Sarcastic, sports-obsessed writer & FL native navigating SF.

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