Why I’ve Lost All Hope in Humanity

Try as I might, I’ve lost hope in humanity already this New Year (and even more quickly into the Chinese New Year — Gung Hay Fat Choy). A small sampling of reasons why:

These people are procreating. That’s right: Two of America’s best and brightest will bring a child into this world. Teachers of America, you’ve been warned. The only conceivable (do you see what I did there?) upside is that Suri’s Burn Book just got a whole new chapter of crazy.

 These people are separating. A celeb couple who didn’t let fame faze them, they showed a tremendous amount of love and care for each other. I applaud their decision if they think it best; but now all of us ladies are left to question once again: Is a lasting marriage possible?

These kids have parents like this. I’m all for little girls playing dress-up — but as a princess, not a prostitute. “Toddlers and Tiaras” continues to draw millions of fans (and plenty of backlash), as parents parade their kids around in heavy makeup and provocative clothing. And yet, plenty of prospective parents suffer with infertility issues.

This lady is featured in a wildly popular show. Are you scared yet? Watch it again. It doesn’t matter how out-of-context these clips are — the fact remains that this woman “entertains” more than 2 million viewers weekly. Well, at least she’s not a Kardashian?

This team won last night. I simply cannot support a Boston squad, especially when one of their top playmakers is so incredibly doofy. My dreams of a Harbaugh bowl now crushed, I shall support that other red, white and blue team from the Northeast.

I worry the Year of the Dragon may be our last. Which signs of the apocalypse have left you shaking in fear?

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About Wittyburg

Sarcastic, sports-obsessed writer & FL native navigating SF.

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