Suck It, Martha

Happy VD Day, all! Hope you’re celebrating with good people and even better drinks. I chose to celebrate by taking on a Martha Stewart craft for the Valentine’s mailboxes at my office. I even pinned it to make sure I stuck to my goal. Just four steps … how hard could it be?

Side note: As a former sorority girl, I pride myself on my crafting skillz — especially if I can get hold of glitter glue.

But that Martha, she is a saucy minx. She makes it look so simple: Cut felt circles, glue ribbon and wire to them, insert a fortune and fold! That’s it!

Instead, here’s how horribly it all went down:

1. Using fabric shears, cut a 4-1/2-inch diameter circle from a piece of felt. Cut a piece of matching ribbon slightly shorter than 4-1/2 inches. Using wire cutters, cut a piece of floral wire slightly shorter than the length of ribbon. (So far, so good. Except, I mixed up the red and pink ribbons with the opposite-colored felt pieces. I’m sure no one will notice.) 

What could possibly go wrong here?

2. Using craft glue, affix the wire to the middle of the felt circle. Glue ribbon on top, covering the wire. Let dry 30 minutes. (Start to seriously think Martha’s got nothing on me … am overly confident at this point. Come up with unique fortunes in my blissful state — why not movie quotes?) 

Blurry, but you get the idea.

3. Fold the felt circle in half, using the wire as a guide, so ribbon is inside cookie. Next, angle the sides toward each other, bending the wire at its halfway point and forming a fortune-cookie shape, as shown. (Something’s amiss. Why are these looking more like tacos than fortune cookies? Use more craft glue to close the taco-cookies, and use candy to weigh it down. This will work. It has to.) 

Mmm, tacos.

4. Assemble the fortune cookies. Carefully peel back one flap of the felt cookie, and insert a paper fortune and a few candies. Fold the flap back over to close cookie around contents. (How does the flap stay closed? That doesn’t make any sense. There’s no way in hell I’m fitting candy in these things.)

Ready for their office debut!

Among other lessons, I found that it’s a good idea to read user comments on a project before starting — just as you would with a recipe.

I also managed to cut my fingers thrice, ensuring me a spot in the Hepatitis Hall of Fame. Where was that in the instructions, Martha?

After the glue, blood and tears dried, they ended up looking just fine. And next to my Red Velvet Cookies and Justin Bieber cards, nobody cared that they didn’t quite resemble treats from a post-Moo Goo Gai Pan coma.

Now that’s romantic.