My Five Most-Hated Commercials

I’m blessed with a sometimes-functioning DVR, so I typically don’t have to watch commercials. Aside from the Super Bowl, I don’t see the point in sitting through them.

But baseball season is here, and I’m watching a lot of live games — succumbing to the awfulness that is advertising 101. Here are the worst five I’ve seen lately:

5. Toast to the Douchebags

Solid marketing plan, Bud Light Platinum: Repurpose an already-stale product into a fresh bottle and put Kanye — King of the Douchebags — West’s “Runaway (Toast to the Douchebags)” as the backup track. I’ll drink to that.

4. Kit Kat Krunching Kraziness

My co-workers all know how much I loathe the sound of someone eating. The guy next to me managed to crunch his way through lasagna last week, and I nearly had a stroke. Enter this commercial … and a full-on lobotomy for one.

3. Kids’ Voices Are … Cute?

Set aside the fact that Subway constantly smells like baked turds. My ovaries shrink every time I hear a child speak, and this ad makes use of it with no explanation whatsoever. Children are best when silent — I’m looking at you, Kidz Bop.

2. Sarah McLachlan Somehow Makes Puppies Depressing

I’m an animal lover and have a much better chance of becoming a crazy dog lady than I do of becoming a mother. So why is it that Miss McLachlan has to overlay slow-motion pictures of abused animals and make me cry every damn time her commersh comes on? Save it for Lilith Fair, you wench.

1. Virgin Discusses Richard Branson’s Sexcapades

There’s no rhyme or reason to ever announce that a 61-year-old man is “here to service you.” Let’s not forget that he looks like he hasn’t showered or shaved since the ’80s. Gag me with a spoon.

Instead of being a complete stormy rain cloud of negativity, here’s one of my favorite ads of all time (NSFW-ish). Thanks to copyranter for the incredible find.

Which commercials make you cringe? Any I left out — let me know in the comments section below!