Breaking News: Jessica Simpson Isn’t a Complete Idiot

In national headlines because it’s a slow week for the zombie apocalypse, Weight Watchers has signed Jessica Simpson as its next star to shape up.

According to a radio report I’m sure I heard correctly, J. Simps gained 70 pounds during her never-ending pregnancy. SEVEN-ZERO. Daughter Maxwell Drew Johnson weighed in at 9 lbs., 13 oz. — so she has quite the uphill battle to shed the rest.

Whoa, baby.

The ever-astute Simpson posted on her Facebook page, “The cool thing about the program is that it focuses on healthy habits for the long-term (and I can still indulge in my guilty pleasures every now and then, too).”

How profound.

Lucky for her, WW is reportedly offering $4 million to get back into shape — I’m no mathematician, but that’s more than $70K per pound left to lose. Turning Simpson’s get-fat-from-food fetish into a multimillion-dollar deal? Maybe she isn’t a total idiot after all.

 You better work (after signing for millions).

For someone who infamously asked whether Chicken of the Sea was, in fact, chicken … I sure hope her Weight Watchers consultant can help her determine Points values.

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About Wittyburg

Sarcastic, sports-obsessed writer & FL native navigating SF.

3 responses to “Breaking News: Jessica Simpson Isn’t a Complete Idiot”

  1. Adam says :

    Good thing your not my accountant, its only $57k a pound….

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