GRAMMY Does It Again

It’s that time of year again, my friends. The 56th GRAMMY Awards were tonight, hosted by GRAMMY winner (as we’re constantly reminded for God-knows-what reason) LL Cool J.

Oh, that’s right. He listed some of his own songs and panned to Taylor Swift’s privileged white-girl angst. He also seems to miss the concept that, with a microphone, you don’t have to YELL.

But enough babbling — LL took care of that — let’s get to the important stuff:

THE FASHIONS
Another year, another ho-hum red carpet. Here’s what I found notable:

• Daft Punk, because, well … I just got a kick out of any audience shot involving this helmeted duo. Extra points for Pharrell having to speak on their behalf.
• I’m not entirely sure what was on Lorde’s nails — thimbles, spray paint or otherwise — but it was certainly noticeable.
• Thin mustaches and otherwise terrible facial hair were in full effect for some reason. From Robin Thicke to Nate Ruess, I am severely disturbed by the prevalence.
• The dear, sweet Kacey Musgraves: Honey needs a new stylist, stat … unless tassled skirts are making a comeback and I missed the memo.

THE PERFORMANCES
Legendary concerts and collaborations like these happen but once a year:

• Queen B opened the show with a dramatic performance of “Drunk in Love,” a song I personally don’t enjoy. I mean no disrespect to her talent, but I was most mesmerized by her beautiful bob haircut. Of course, Jay-Z joined her and made it rain.
• Captivating and understated, Lorde absolutely killed it with “Royals.” I cannot say enough how much I love this songstress’s success.
• I still don’t really know who Hunter Hayes is and get him confused with every other fresh-faced singer, but his shaky-sweet reveal of “Invisible” just might make me remember him.
• Actor Steve Coogan joked, among other things, that the GRAMMYs chose to reunite two of the Beatles over all of the Jonas Brothers. He then introduced Katy Perry and Juicy J’s performance of the slutty, Hocus-Pocusy “Dark Horse.”
• Next up were Chicago & Robin Thicke, performing a medley of their respective hits. Naturally, my fave is the group’s “Saturday in the Park” — hello, birthday shout-out. And thanks be to God, there were no foam fingers at this show.
• Country and blues music came together onstage with Keith Urban and Gary Clark, Jr.’s soulful duet “Cop Car.” Mr. Kidman was looking mighty fine, and Clark is undeniably talented.
• My fave piano man John Legend melted my ovaries with “All of Me.” A memo to Chrissy Teigen: You better not ever, ever, ever let that man get away from you. Speaking of …
• And then there was Taylor Swift and “All Too Well.” This girl … I just can’t. She’s been in the biz for almost a decade and yet she STILL always looks surprised and awkward. Own it, woman. You know you’ve got eleventy billion tweens looking up to you! I didn’t even realize her painful “dancing” could be done while seated.
• Smooth-mover Bruno Mars welcomed Pink for a gravity-defying performance of “Try.” Nate Ruess then joined her onstage for the always emotional “Give Me Just One Reason.”
• Always incomprehensible Ozzy Osbourne and the rest of Black Sabbath introduced Ringo Starr for “Photograph.” I can’t say anything negative about the legendary Starr, so let’s just chalk that dancing up to him usually being seated at the drums.
• Rapper Kendrick Lamar & rockers Imagine Dragons did a huge number with a mash-up of their respective smash hits. I wonder if, while watching the playback, they’ll collectively shit themselves seeing legends like Steven Tyler sing along.
• The electric (no, really … lit-up boots and jackets were involved) Kacey Musgraves dazzled with “Follow Your Arrow.” Love her and the song, but as mentioned earlier, that outfit should have been burned.
• Julia Roberts explained an upcoming CBS special for the 50th anniversary of The Beatles performing on “The Ed Sullivan Show,” and then introduced Sir Paul and Ringo for “Give the People a Shout.”
• Jeremy Renner welcomed the two remaining Highway Men, Willie Nelson and Kris Kristofferson, to kick things off. They were then joined by Merle Haggard and Blake Shelton to croon a handful of classics and make me seriously consider a move back to the South.
• Suited up Neil Patrick Harris entertained with his intro of Daft Punk for their first televised performance in six years (and only second-ever). Perhaps if MTV hadn’t stuck their noses in for the VMA/Colbert debacle, that stat would have been smashed in August. Pharrell and Stevie Wonder were incredible bandmates, though.
• Cyndi Lauper rocked red locks to announce Carole King and Sara Bareilles for their rendition of the latter’s “Brave.” Dueling pianos are always a win in my book.
• The most perfect specimen who ever lived, Jared Leto, honored the legendary Lou Reed before bringing Metallica onstage with Lang Lang for a chilling performance of “One.”
• Queen Latifah shared a heartfelt welcome to Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, along with Mary Lambert and Trombone Shorty for the inspirational ballad “Same Love.” Oh, and then Queen Latifah came back to officiate 33 simultaneous marriages. Madonna showed up, too, and belted a few bars (with a full choir) of “Open Your Heart.” As expected and deserved, a standing ovation erupted from the crowd.
• Lang Lang returned to the stage to begin the annual In Memoriam piece. It’s OK if you cried like a baby (too). Then, Miranda Lambert and Billie Joe Armstrong closed it with a duet of “When Will I Be Loved?” to honor Phil Everly.