Mourning the mundane
Let’s ignore for a moment the fact that I’ve neglected to post in a very, very long time. Suspend your disbelief and read right past this disclaimer as if time wasn’t a construct and the last 2+ years haven’t been insane.
Today marks 9 years since my dad died. N-I-N-E years. Nearly a decade. I go back and forth over how impossible that is and how much longer it feels. When your heart shatters into a million pieces multiple times in his memory, it feels like there’s no label for time that fits.
I’ve been doing some IRL, old-school journaling lately and with today looming, I’d begun my usual list of things my dad wouldn’t be here to see (assuming they happen):
- When I buy my first house
- When I get engaged
- When I get married
- When I have children
And I inevitably think of all of my life’s milestones that have happened, that he hasn’t been around to see:
- Moving to San Francisco
- Changing jobs (a few times)
- Dating T (a few times)
- Turning 30 and 35
And I think of all of the things my mom and brother and nieces and … everyone! The milestones that have made up so many of the last 3,000+ days. The holidays and anniversaries and births and deaths and promotions and trips and all of those fantastical puzzle pieces that make up the experiences we all go through in big ways.
And then I thought, what about the mundane?
What I wouldn’t give for one more conversation with him about nothing. One more ALL CAPS EMAIL because typing one-handed was incredibly hard. One more urge to switch off Guy Fieri but letting dad have his pick of shows this time.
What I wouldn’t give to have any number of the most routine, bland, unimportant, ordinary, everyday, unexceptional, run-of-the-mill moments with him again.
Because (and I’m neither the first nor last to discover this) those moments are what make up the puzzle as well. They’re the things we don’t often celebrate or stop to appreciate. Which is understandable, when you think how incredibly tedious it would be to pause after every one of these micro moments. Or, if everything feels special then nothing does.
But if we pick one every once in a while – an inside joke, a conversation, a silly text, even a maddening email – it might make it easier to mourn the mundane long after they’re gone.
I Read for 1hr/day in February and Here’s How It Went
In the interest of attempting a different challenge every month this year, it should come as no surprise that I chose to tackle an hour of reading for each day of February.
It was supposed to be a no-brainer: I’m a writer, and I love to read. Until recently, it was literally part of my job responsibilities, so I wanted to keep it up during personal time despite the change in my workday. I’ve also struggled with reading for fun since I haven’t had a 90min commute (not complaining!).
As a baseline, I would read anywhere from 10 minutes to 2 hours a day without this challenge at hand – so I wasn’t starting completely from scratch to begin this habit. I’m also a fast reader. I read five books in January and I figured with this goal in mind, I could likely knock out another 6-10, despite the shorter month, with a dedicated hour each day.
But, you’ll see soon how it actually negatively impacted my desire and eagerness to devour a book.
To start, I’d just begun The Last Story of Mina Lee, a recent pick from my book club (inspired by Reese’s Book Club picking it). I flew through a lot of Nancy Jooyoun Kim’s 384 pages, but was stalled in parts because I was mentally exhausted and found myself reading the same sentences over and over.
I was leading a few big projects at work and looking at apartments in my spare time, so it was not a “normal” month … but what does “normal” even mean anymore? I’m always tough on myself and felt like I should just keep pushing through the books, instead of showing myself some grace and being OK with reading less (or not at all!) for a few days.
Instead of looking forward to my little reading ritual before bed, I would grumble through it and viewed it as a chore.
That changed with The Year of Magical Thinking, which had been on my list for a while and was recently recommended by my gentleman friend. I did zero research to remind myself before digging in, and this one cut deep – Didion’s experience in the first year after her husband’s death cracked open my heart in ways other stories of grief haven’t.
Although its 227 pages took me a week to get through, TYoMT got me energized to dig into another sad read I’d had on my list for a bit: Shuggie Bain. A heavy hitter at 430 pages, this one had me in fits and starts where I struggled to get through and then couldn’t put it down. I completely understand why it’s been awarded so much as Douglas Stuart’s debut novel.
In need of a palate cleanser, I decided The Office of Historical Corrections would be a good fit because of its setup as a collection of seven short stories. I knocked out the 269 pages in three days – most of it on a weekend day while lounging and losing myself in Danielle Evans’s prose.
Finally, I somehow thought I could tackle The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck with just five days left in February. This iconic novel about farmer Wang Lung’s life remains on best books lists EIGHTY YEARS after publication for good reason, but a fast read it is not. I finished it this morning and was only about 300 pages in (out of 418) at month’s end.
Along with these titles, I also read a few chapters of Bringing Up Bébé, which I really enjoy when I remember to pick it back up. I didn’t count any of the reading I did via articles on news, entertainment, sports, etc., though that probably adds up to an hour or two each day.
All this to say, forcing myself into a challenge to complete an hour of reading each day worked against me.
Through my therapist, I listed what a perfect day would look like and managed to write down “reading” three times without even realizing it.
So I found a pattern that works better for me just in the last week, where I start each day reading a few chapters of something and then start reading emails, texts, etc. I continue to read each night before bed (and I continue to fall asleep a few times a week with the chapter open, my lamp on, and my mouth wide open).
Taking the pressure off myself to set a timer or achieve this goal exactly as I envisioned it is a work in progress for my perfectionist nature. But, there’s a million self-help books I can check out when I’m ready to climb that mountain 🙂
Do you have reading resolutions? What helps you let go of goals that aren’t serving you? Let me know in the comments below – and as always, thanks for reading.
I Did Whole30* in January and Here’s How It Went
*If you read nothing else besides this sentence and then immediately jump to the weight-loss part, remember that I am not a doctor and to “Consult your physician before beginning any diet, nutrition, or fitness plan.” Thanks, Google.
This was my third or fourth annual attempt at the Whole30 plan, which millions of people have found success with in a variety of ways. The primary one is weight loss, of course, or else it likely wouldn’t have the intense following it does.
And while weight loss is on my mind pretty much every day, I do try to think about it more in terms of how I’ll feel: attacking workouts more easily (including trekking San Francisco hills); indulging in rich foods sometimes, but not all the time; and exploring my relationship with food on a deeper level than “this is bad” or “that wasn’t worth the calories.”
There are a few cornerstones of the Whole30 program, which I inevitably break annually. So while I won’t get a gold star for doing it 100 percent, I do show myself some grace for doing better than the weeks or year that led up to my restart:
Don’t weigh or measure yourself in any way until after Day 30. I usually weigh myself daily – but I couldn’t bring myself to do that in the depths of 2020 when I knew I was gaining weight at an alarming rate and not doing anything to change it. I began 2021 by weighing myself weekly, just to log in my WW (AKA Weight Watchers) app, and tried my very hardest to not get overly excited about big losses or defeated from smaller changes.
Don’t even consider the possibility of a “slip.” This is entirely logical and completely doable, but I’ve previously allowed one slip for my annual Gasparilla Invades SF party at the end of January. While this didn’t happen in 2021 – and I thought I’d get through without temptation to drink – I did allow myself to slip with a taco salad on day 17. And, I felt like crap the next day so I more than made up for it in post-taco shell indulgence. I also indulged in one piece of buttered toast… but more on that later.
Eat when you’re hungry. Again, entirely logical. I was reading Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting, which is fascinating on so many levels but also unpacks the French approach to mealtimes. In broad strokes, they eat at 8am (breakfast), 12pm (lunch), 4pm (snack), and 8pm (dinner), and don’t eat outside of those designations. I wanted to try this out for myself, so I ended up eating a snack at 4pm when I wasn’t always hungry or I was hungry before 8pm but made myself wait as close to the target mealtime as possible.
Now, there are a million different ways to approach this program and each person should absolutely examine their individual relationship with food, understand that an elimination/restrictive program is not a sustainable lifestyle, and everyone has different definitions of what healthy looks like for them. My experience is one of litchrlly millions and has looked different each year I’ve done it.
So, what did I eat?
Before I give you all the answers to unlocking the universe,** it’s important to note I had to change my approach to food. I had to meal plan. I had to meal prep. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, I wouldn’t succeed if I left things to chance and hoped for the best in the moment.
I’d seen the all-too-quick temptation of ordering pizza and eating it over the next four meals, thinking that was OK for portion control. I’d fallen all too easily in the working remotely trap of going straight from 8am until 3pm, only to look up and realize I hadn’t eaten lunch. I’d grab a snack and then have two dinners (or one American-sized plate) to make up for my missed lunch.
I thought emotional eating meant you cried into your ice cream or only smiled with a carb in hand. I rationalized away all of these things because I’ve never been thin, never had a flat stomach, never known what it meant to be slender. And I didn’t start – have never started – an approach to lifestyle change expecting those kinds of results.
But damn, did I want to feel in control of myself again.
I first referenced my spreadsheet with recipes and meal plans I’ve used before. I knew the temptation to eat or drink socially would be gone – San Francisco was under only takeout/delivery orders for the foreseeable future. (Even with this lifted, on Jan. 28, I was so close to the end I made myself stick to the plan, including this Saturday while sitting outside, masked, at bars and sipping sparkling water.)
I opened endless browser tabs with recipes. I looked for common ingredients to minimize a bottle of this or giant bag of that and have it go to waste. I invested in a meal-planning pad because writing (in case you’ve noticed) helps me commit to and be energized about an idea.
My mom agreed to try Whole30 for her first time, and we were in constant contact about recipes and ingredients. My sister-in-law has had incredible success following WW, so we three texted regularly with ideas and motivation. My girlfriends from high school and a good friend in Chicago were recommitting to WW as well, so I had plenty of humans to turn to in times of desperation or creative drought.
My meal plan each week consisted of:
- 2 breakfast options: a quick/premade one for weekdays and more exciting one for weekends
- 3 lunch and dinner options: three W30-approved recipes with four servings each, plus one takeout meal split into two portions
- 3 snack options: W30-approved nuts or plantain chips, plus some protein bars – which vary in W30 approvals and can actually make you crave sugar more
Breakfast: I thought baked egg cups were a revelation until I grew very tired of reheating already-cooked eggs. I often ended up with two cups of hot coffee or one cup of cold brew, plus a Tbsp. of Silk Coconut creamer and eating a couple of eggs scrambled in the microwave (45sec, check, 45sec). Weekends with sliced avocado, air-fried bacon, or bowls of sliced fruit were worth the delicious wait.
Lunch/Dinner: I wanted so badly to be into the same meal a fourth time around but sometimes abandoned it for a quick salad or anything at all besides the same meat and veggies I’d had the past three days. I optimized my laziness for meals made on sheet pans or in slow cookers – because signing an apartment lease in February 2020 meant living without a dishwasher would be fine 🙄 I finally bought an Instant Pot last year but it’s still in the box… so I looked for recipes to crisp up veggies in my mini air fryer while meat roasted in the oven.
Each week, I ordered one takeout meal of grilled, non-breaded wings with two side salads; and I split the entire meal into two portions. I got fancy and took advantage of a brisket add-on one week, then drooled while thinking about the brisket the whole following week. When I ordered it a second time (with a free piece of buttered toast!), I got food poisoning and promptly swore off brisket for a long time to come.
Snacks: Plantain chips and 5lb bags of Halos are my BFFs when it comes to W30-approved snacks. I also found my way to Lara Bars and RXBars, trying different approved flavors each week. These are high on my WW Points Plan (7-9 on Blue) so I felt a little pang of guilt each time (also see above re: craving sugars more).
All of this takes time. And while I don’t have anyone but myself to worry about, I also don’t have anyone but myself to count on for grocery shopping, prepping, cooking, and cleaning. I live within walking distance of a Trader Joe’s, Target, and some local markets – but with the dining restrictions in place, lines cropped up again and I’m not a fan of standing in the rain to schlep groceries from multiple places (without a car, mind you). I will absolutely throw money at the problem and am in a privileged position to be able to afford fresh food, selected by a third-party shopper, who delivers it to my apartment within a 2-hour window I select.
Of all the recipes I tried, there are quite a few I’ll keep in my regular rotation:
- Whole30 Smoky Sweet Potato Chili
- Whole30 Garlic Shrimp with Sweet Potato Noodles: I bought premade sweet potato noodles, instead of spiralizing myself and I’d halve this next time because reheating shrimp for days grossed me out
- Easy Lemon Garlic Chicken Thighs
- Whole30 Spicy Pork & Pesto Zoodles: I bought premade zucchini noodles, instead of spiralizing myself
- Whole30 Instant Pot Sesame Chicken: As my IP sits unopened, and I couldn’t get arrowroot powder, I made the chicken on the stove top in a skillet
- Whole30 Loaded Baked Potato Soup
So, how did I feel?
Overall, as with years past, I’ve felt more clear-headed, more focused, and more energized. This is without keeping up with daily workouts, mind you. And I wasn’t boozing *that* much in 2020 considering bars were closed so much and I really don’t enjoy drinking at home alone. I slept much better on the days I got longer walks in, but even a 20-minute walk felt invigorating instead of like a thing I had to do. Turns out there’s a lot of time to fill if I stop working before 7pm and don’t eat dinner until 8.
Fruits tasted sweeter, because they were my main source of sugar. I got pops of flavor from roasted veggies and marinated meat, instead of the hollow (though delicious) taste of french fries or heavy (though delicious) taste of cream, cheese, and all of the dairy I could get my hands on.
My stomach didn’t feel distended, I didn’t wake up groggy from a restless night, and I was thinking about food constantly – but in a more balanced and mindful way. Instead of “What will I eat next?,” I was excited to try a new recipe or grateful to have leftovers and not spend $30 on delivery. ← This wasn’t how I felt every single day, mind you, but it was more often than not.
Now, the first day back from “break,” I learned about a change in my role at work. The next day, the attempted coup at the U.S. Capitol stirred up a million emotions, from anger to disbelief. Inauguration Day brought me to happy tears with every historic second of Kamala’s oath and mention of “Second Gentleman” – and then I was told promptly after the ceremony that my role was changing even more, including a change to my manager and fundamental projects.
Emotional eating had new meaning, the one that is largely agreed upon and I hadn’t considered because I wasn’t crying into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s: it’s a way to suppress or soothe negative emotions.
Well, shit. Ice cream does make me feel better. But isn’t that true for everyone (besides lactose-intolerant or vegan peeps)? It probably sounds super elementary, but I hadn’t explored my emotional relationship with food because I knew “bad” foods tasted good and that was that. With my adjusted eating times, I told myself during tough work days that I could have my snack at 4pm or wait until breakfast if I’d already had my 8pm dinner and was in a glass case of emotion.
So, how much weight did I lose?
This might be the only other sentence you read, so I won’t make you wait any longer… In the course of 31 days, I lost 13 lbs. Remember: This is my singular experience, and my BMI was considered Obese so I will very likely lose weight at a faster pace than someone with, say, 5% weight loss as a goal.
I was quite stubborn about not taking before and after pictures, because I don’t want there to be a fixed “after” (and yes, without a haircut in months and feeling my absolute grossest, I didn’t want it documented on the interweb forever).
But I can say, going into February, I’ll take away the following key changes:
- Fixed mealtimes: as close to 8am, 12pm, 4pm, and 8pm as possible
- Recipe exploration: Even with SF slowly reopening, it feels good to create for myself more often than not
- Understanding emotional eating: reaching for fruit or healthy snacks, instead of cookies or chips – and if I really want those, I’ll have to walk myself to the store, instead of keeping them at arm’s reach
Phew! This felt like a therapy session in itself. I’m curious if you’ve tried Whole30 or similar reset plans, and what your experience was. Do you have favorite recipes or “hacks” to make it feel less stressy?
**Nope, not gonna find that here either.Read More…
A letter to Dad on his 70th birthday*
It’s hard to believe you’ve been gone six and a half years. I remember thinking you were so young to die at 63, and now today, you’d be 70. SEVENTY. That sounds so old somehow.
WO: Weekly Obsessions
Oh hello, 2020. We’ve been expecting you.
Between the resolutions and the parties and all of the holiday hoopla, it’s kind of incredible to think another decade is upon us and what the next 366 days will bring (thanks, Feb. 29)!
What am I most excited for? Possibly the Olympics, or following my 15-year HS reunion’s inevitable drama on Facebook, or meeting my reading goal of 100 books. Seeing my nieces grow, achieving new goals at work, moving back into a space of my own… the possibilities are endless, but it certainly won’t happen overnight.
I mentioned I’d be taking a hard look at the things that serve me and don’t, so I’ll also be stepping away from these WOs. It might be for a little while, or it might be forever.
But I’m excited about some projects I have in mind and to give myself the space to create those things — and share my progress with you, too.
Thank you all for reading and sharing your stories with me these last 8+ years of WO and 9+ of the blog. Lots of love — here’s to the next chapter!
WO: Weekly Obsessions
In case you haven’t heard, it is Jesus’s birthday and there’s no better time to spend with family, friends, and those you love. I’m doing just that with my friend’s family, who’ve graciously opened their homes to me the past two days.
However you spend the holiday season, I hope you find peace and joy during what isn’t always the most wonderful time of the year.
Spread love, lend a helping hand, do your part to make the world a better place. And if you can find some time to relax in there, too, that’s all the better.
WO: Weekly Obsessions
Truth be told, I just finished baking 4 dozen cookies and crashed into bed thinking “Ah, day is done.” And then my brain alarm went off like a GD nightmare siren as I realized it was, in fact, Wednesday and I hadn’t posted (again).
As much as I’ve enjoyed entertaining(?) you all for the last 8+ years of weekly picks, I’ve found it so much more difficult to keep up with (1) since my job changed to being a tastemaker for my company, and (2) since so much of my “free” time is spent catching up on the ~3h I’m out of SF for each day.
I’m so grateful for those of you who’ve stuck through it and continue to read faithfully, but I’m taking a long, hard look at all of my commitments — virtually and IRL — to better understand what serves me and what drains me.
This isn’t a farewell, per se, but a new chapter is on the horizon for Wittyburg, the site, and Wittyburg, the human. As that continues to shape up, you’ll be among the first to know.
Cheers to cookie fever and chasing your dreams!
WO: Weekly Obsessions
What do a 5:35am alarm, a 7:30am should in class, six meetings, a 2h 10m evening commute, and a girls’ night at Olive Garden have in common?
They’re all elements of this particular Wednesday. Woof.
Just when I thought I couldn’t get any hangrier, my fellow commuters managed to pull all the annoying stops out, but a lot of laughs with some dear girlfriends and some snuggles with an infant really helped bring me back down to earth.