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Watching GoT with my roommate who’s only seen one episode

MILD SPOILERS AHEAD. So if you didn’t see last night’s GoT, just wait until Wednesday for your regularly scheduled WO.

Image result for got spoilers

OK so my roommate has only seen one episode of Game of Thrones (S8:E1). She watched it because she thought it was the finale. Precious child. She had no idea what she was getting herself into!

We watched last night’s episode, aptly named “The Long Night,” after hours of clearing out the old apartment with our former roommates.

While settled in a camping chair (me) and a pillow fort (her), here are some actual highlights of her watching and me explaining, and us both freaking out:

  • OMG!
  • He’s so hot
  • Wait, I don’t get it
  • I don’t want any of them to die! (said thrice in a row, plus more)
  • Ahh!
  • Fuck! (lost count)
  • I can’t watch! (lost count)
  • This is scary!
  • Who’s he?
  • Why would she be executed?
  • She killed a little girl?!
  • Like I feel bad for these characters…
  • It’s 90 minutes?!
  • Isn’t he a eunuch?
  • Is that the zombie dragon?
  • There’s THREE episodes left?!
  • What’s left to cover after this?
  • Oh Cersei is going to die
  • Cersei is so going to die
  • Who’s she?
  • No, not the little girl!
  • Fire doesn’t do anything?
  • What are they doing?
  • Fuck they’re scary
  • I’m scared
  • GASP!
  • YES ARYA
  • NO DAENERYS
  • He loves her (said multiple times in a row)
  • Are they in love?
  • Who’s that?
  • Why’d she do that?
  • Wow (lost count)
  • Just wow (lost count)

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Instead of a GRAMMYs Recap…

I made the executive decision to not do a GRAMMYs post this year for a few reasons — please, hold your applause till the end:

• The show is on delay for West Coast viewers, so my recap would go up at approximately 2 a.m. EST (and be old news by then)
• I can’t go on social media without seeing all the spoilers, and I’m pretty grumpy about it
• It makes zero sense to me that the Super Bowl aired live but the GRAMMYs aren’t
• My computer is essentially dead for God knows what reason this time

So you see, I really didn’t have much choice! I know you’re disappointed; you’ve waited all year for this post to happen.

Please accept this peace offering as a sign that I never meant to hurt you, girl. There’s always next year, right?

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But I still love to watch…

How-To: Suck Less at Tinder

After much hemming and hawing, I finally joined the “social networking,” AKA laziest dating app ever, Tinder.

And since I’ve been on it for about 48 hours, I’m basically an expert. Check out this fancy infograph and get ready for some harsh truthbombs.

So, I’m like Cameran from “Southern Charm” (and “Real World: San Diego,” but that’s another story): I’ve been sent from the heavens to help all you turds.

Courtesy of Bravo.comSee? We’re basically twins.

Before we begin, I insist — for the first time in my life — that you listen to Kesha & Pitbull.

Step 1: Set up your profile properly.
You can add up to six photos from your Facebook account, so choose wisely.

The first/default picture should be a clear, well-lit shot of just you. If you’re in a group of guys, I have no idea which one you are. If you’re with kids, I don’t know if they’re yours or someone else’s. If you’re pixelated, I can’t tell if your face is blurry or it’s just your shit phone.

Your other photos can include those things, but keep in mind: This is a shallow service and we’re going off first impressions. Many girls will not swipe through to see more if they’re scratching their heads on photo #1.

Other tips for selecting photos:

  • Don’t have pics with a bunch of seemingly random girls; you’re trying to DATE someone new and we don’t know them or your history
  • Include a full-body shot and don’t get pissy about it — this is a two-way street
  • Vary the content, unless you wear a polo and have a drink in hand at all times … we’d like to think you’re a little more complex than that
  • Animals are featured often — nothing wrong with it, but don’t be that guy who “shows off” his dog to make a girl swoon

Courtesy of BuzzFeed.comI just want to be her best friend.

Step 2: Don’t ruin those carefully selected photos with an awful “About” section.
I write for a living, so just shut up and listen.

Most people don’t read (I’m set for life, clearly). So don’t use 500 characters as an open invitation to tell your life story or hate on “why women swipe Yes but don’t message” you.

Bottom line: Forget writing a novel, throwing shade or misquoting an outdated movie. If I read one more “My apartment smells of rich mahogany lol,” I will lose it.

I’ve seen a lot of guys link to their other social accounts — namely Instagram — and who list their height. I’m not necessarily against either, but keep that username in mind when sharing with a potential lady friend. Read: bang_gang69 is not attractive.

Courtesy of 5Why.comOooh. This should be fun.

Step 3: You’re matched! Don’t be an idiot.
Congratulations! You’ve picked decent photos and didn’t scare her off … yet. Now, don’t screw it up.

I’m not super-old school, but I do think guys should feel confident within this app to send the first message after matching. It shows self-assuredness and a willingness to be the first man she’s met who isn’t scared to approach her.

Make an observation about one of her pictures … not her boobs, but ask what’s in the drink she’s holding or what song she was dancing to.

Ask how her day is going, or what she would be doing on a normal [insert day] if she weren’t on Tinder.

Anything but “Hey,” “What’s up?” or something wildly offensive should work.

The beauty of Tinder is how non-committal it is. You swipe and swipe and swipe, and hopefully your battery dies before you seriously embarrass yourself or kill your chances.

Despite my self-proclaimed expert status, I need to know: Am I missing any tips? Let me know in the comments — and happy hunting!

In Case You Missed It: The Oscars

Courtesy of NOLA.com

So, the Oscars were Sunday — did you guys hear about this? Didja see this? I put my best, most-critical foot forward and did what anyone from my incredibly self-absorbed generation would do: I tweeted.

Sure, there are about a million recaps of the night’s ceremonies … but how many of those were written by me? Answer: ONE.

Here’s all you needed to know about the 2014 Oscars:

Image Courtesy of the TwitterJennifer Lawrence tripped on the red carpet —
still had a better night than me.

Image Courtesy of the TwitterJared Leto won Best Supporting Actor & nailed his speech.

Image Courtesy of the TwitterPharrell wore that big, stupid hat he brought to the GRAMMYs.

Image Courtesy of the TwitterLupita Nyong’o gave an incredible speech & stunned in a blue gown.

Image Courtesy of the TwitterCuba Gooding, Jr. was in a really bizarre-o Pepsi commercial.

Image Courtesy of the TwitterBette Midler performed, then Goldie Hawn presented.
BUT WHERE’S DIANE?

Image Courtesy of the TwitterJohn Travolta completely botched Idina Menzel’s name.
BONUS: See how he’d screw yours up!

Image Courtesy of the TwitterCate Blanchett won Best Actress & is basically BFFs with Julia Roberts.

Image Courtesy of the TwitterTake everything I say seriously, because I am an expert.

No mention of the pizza gag that ran on too long …
No need to talk about the stupid fucking #selfie that broke Twitter …
Just some good, old-fashioned Oscars love.
What was your favorite moment?

GRAMMY Does It Again

It’s that time of year again, my friends. The 56th GRAMMY Awards were tonight, hosted by GRAMMY winner (as we’re constantly reminded for God-knows-what reason) LL Cool J.

Oh, that’s right. He listed some of his own songs and panned to Taylor Swift’s privileged white-girl angst. He also seems to miss the concept that, with a microphone, you don’t have to YELL.

But enough babbling — LL took care of that — let’s get to the important stuff:

Image Courtesy of HuffingtonPost.com

THE FASHIONS
Another year, another ho-hum red carpet. Here’s what I found notable:

  • Daft Punk, because, well … I just got a kick out of any audience shot involving this helmeted duo. Extra points for Pharrell having to speak on their behalf.
  • I’m not entirely sure what was on Lorde’s nails — thimbles, spray paint or otherwise — but it was certainly noticeable.
  • Thin mustaches and otherwise terrible facial hair were in full effect for some reason. From Robin Thicke to Nate Ruess, I am severely disturbed by the prevalence.
  • The dear, sweet Kacey Musgraves: Honey needs a new stylist, stat … unless tassled skirts are making a comeback and I missed the memo.

Image Courtesy of VH1.com

THE PERFORMANCES
Legendary concerts and collaborations like these happen but once a year:

  • Queen B opened the show with a dramatic performance of “Drunk in Love,” a song I personally don’t enjoy. I mean no disrespect to her talent, but I was most mesmerized by her beautiful bob haircut. Of course, Jay-Z joined her and made it rain.
  • Captivating and understated, Lorde absolutely killed it with “Royals.” I cannot say enough how much I love this songstress’s success.
  • I still don’t really know who Hunter Hayes is and get him confused with every other fresh-faced singer, but his shaky-sweet reveal of “Invisible” just might make me remember him.
  • Actor Steve Coogan joked, among other things, that the GRAMMYs chose to reunite two of the Beatles over all of the Jonas Brothers. He then introduced Katy Perry and Juicy J’s performance of the slutty, Hocus-Pocusy “Dark Horse.”
  • Next up were Chicago & Robin Thicke, performing a medley of their respective hits. Naturally, my fave is the group’s “Saturday in the Park” — hello, birthday shout-out. And thanks be to God, there were no foam fingers at this show.
  • Country and blues music came together onstage with Keith Urban and Gary Clark, Jr.’s soulful duet “Cop Car.” Mr. Kidman was looking mighty fine, and Clark is undeniably talented.
  • My fave piano man John Legend melted my ovaries with “All of Me.” A memo to Chrissy Teigen: You better not ever, ever, ever let that man get away from you. Speaking of …
  • And then there was Taylor Swift and “All Too Well.” This girl … I just can’t. She’s been in the biz for almost a decade and yet she STILL always looks surprised and awkward. Own it, woman. You know you’ve got eleventy billion tweens looking up to you! I didn’t even realize her painful “dancing” could be done while seated.
  • Smooth-mover Bruno Mars welcomed Pink for a gravity-defying performance of “Try.” Nate Ruess then joined her onstage for the always emotional “Give Me Just One Reason.”
  • Always incomprehensible Ozzy Osbourne and the rest of Black Sabbath introduced Ringo Starr for “Photograph.” I can’t say anything negative about the legendary Starr, so let’s just chalk that dancing up to him usually being seated at the drums.
  • Rapper Kendrick Lamar & rockers Imagine Dragons did a huge number with a mash-up of their respective smash hits. I wonder if, while watching the playback, they’ll collectively shit themselves seeing legends like Steven Tyler sing along.
  • The electric (no, really … lit-up boots and jackets were involved) Kacey Musgraves dazzled with “Follow Your Arrow.” Love her and the song, but as mentioned earlier, that outfit should have been burned.
  • Julia Roberts explained an upcoming CBS special for the 50th anniversary of The Beatles performing on “The Ed Sullivan Show,” and then introduced Sir Paul and Ringo for “Give the People a Shout.”
  • Jeremy Renner welcomed the two remaining Highway Men, Willie Nelson and Kris Kristofferson, to kick things off. They were then joined by Merle Haggard and Blake Shelton to croon a handful of classics and make me seriously consider a move back to the South.
  • Suited up Neil Patrick Harris entertained with his intro of Daft Punk for their first televised performance in six years (and only second-ever). Perhaps if MTV hadn’t stuck their noses in for the VMA/Colbert debacle, that stat would have been smashed in August. Pharrell and Stevie Wonder were incredible bandmates, though.
  • Cyndi Lauper rocked red locks to announce Carole King and Sara Bareilles for their rendition of the latter’s “Brave.” Dueling pianos are always a win in my book.
  • The most perfect specimen who ever lived, Jared Leto, honored the legendary Lou Reed before bringing Metallica onstage with Lang Lang for a chilling performance of “One.”
  • Queen Latifah shared a heartfelt welcome to Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, along with Mary Lambert and Trombone Shorty for the inspirational ballad “Same Love.” Oh, and then Queen Latifah came back to officiate 33 simultaneous marriages. Madonna showed up, too, and belted a few bars (with a full choir) of “Open Your Heart.” As expected and deserved, a standing ovation erupted from the crowd.
  • Lang Lang returned to the stage to begin the annual In Memoriam piece. It’s OK if you cried like a baby (too). Then, Miranda Lambert and Billie Joe Armstrong closed it with a duet of “When Will I Be Loved?” to honor Phil Everly.

Image Courtesy of KROQ-CBSLocal.com

THE WINNERS
10 gramaphones were televised out of 82 awards, so this is all you get:

  • Funnygirl Anna Kendrick and super-hottie Pharrell presented Best New Artist to Macklemore & Ryan Lewis. I was personally pulling for country crooner Kacey Musgraves, but I wasn’t surprised to see this duo win.
  • Global sensations Juanes and Ana Faris were pleased to present Best Pop Duo/Group Performance to Daft Punk and Pharrell for “Get Lucky.” In a field of strong contenders, I thought it was anyone’s game.
  • Kevin Hart and Charlie Wilson announced Best Rock Song to multitalented winners Sir Paul McCartney, Dave Grohl, Krist Novoselic and Pat Smear for “Cut Me Some Slack.” It took them two hours to create pure magic … imagine what they could do in 24.
  • Teeny-tiny powerhouse Ariana Grande and singer Miguel gave Best Pop Solo Performance to the humble and nervous Lorde for “Royals” — guess Sara Bareilles and Katy Perry really didn’t need to fight over that melody after all.
  • Total nutjob and silly guy Jamie Foxx presented Best Rap/Sung Collaboration to power couple Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake for “Holy Grail.” HOVA accepted and earned Hubby of the Century for acknowledging Beyoncé and Blue Ivy.
  • Gloria Estefan and Marc Anthony announced that Pharrell was previously awarded Producer of the Year, Non-Classical; and then handed out the gramaphone for Best Pop Vocal Album to Bruno Mars for “Unorthodox Jukebox.” I knew my Pandora was right about something!
  • Country crooners Martina McBride and Zac Brown honored George Jones and Ray Price in memoriam before handing Best Country Album to Kacey Musgraves for “Same Trailer, Different Park.” Her shock was genuine and endearing, and the award so well-deserved.
  • After their performance, Carole King and Sara Bareilles announced Song of the Year winner to Joe Little and Ella Yelich O’Connor (AKA Lorde) for writing her smash “Royals.”
  • The iconic Steven Tyler and Smokey Robinson were up next to sing and scream (guess which one?), and present Record of the Year to Pharrell, Nile Rogers and le French, Daft Punk, for “Get Lucky.”
  • Neil Portnow, Ryan Seacrest and John Legend honored Kent Knappenberger with the first-ever Music Educator Award. Real talk: He deserved to win for his beard alone.

My DVR decided to crap out at this point, so I know I missed some things. Album of the Year went to Daft Punk, I’m sure, but let me know if there was anything else of note.

Somewhere in there (probably halfway through) was the Pepsi Halftime Show, a first for this event. Just another reminder that the Super Bowl is next Sunday and will OWN YOUR LIFE till then. Oh, and that Pepsi must be richer than God to afford all the celebs involved. #ditkaonawreckingball

I also would really like to buy a Chevy if John Legend is selling them. And a MasterCard from JT.

So that’s my take on the night —  did I get something dead wrong in your opinion? Let me know in the comments!

Happy Halloweenie


Courtesy of InvestorPlace.com

Courtesy of Paul Kamau

I learned rather quickly today the best and worst things about Halloween here in New York …

  • BEST: You’re not sure if other people are in costume or their everyday attire.
  • WORST: The guy dressed as “Cast Away” yelled at you for not giving him money.
  • BONUS: He followed up with a rant about how he speaks American. Gotta love it.

Have a safe and happy Halloween! Here’s hoping the only spirits visiting you are 80 Proof — and enjoy this awesome playlist my co-worker made for the frightful night ahead 🙂

Courtesy of Mah iPhone (Obviously)

Witty in Fitty: This One Time …

I haven’t slept well lately. So naturally, I started reading “Gone Girl” last night (better late than never, right?).

Courtesy of GoodReads.com

The stuff of nightmares.

Riddle me this: What genius gets sucked into a book, 300+ pages deep, and OH SHIT is it really 3:30 a.m.?

Courtesy of tumblr.com

I hate myself.