I made the executive decision to not do a GRAMMYs post this year for a few reasons — please, hold your applause till the end:
• The show is on delay for West Coast viewers, so my recap would go up at approximately 2 a.m. EST (and be old news by then)
• I can’t go on social media without seeing all the spoilers, and I’m pretty grumpy about it
• It makes zero sense to me that the Super Bowl aired live but the GRAMMYs aren’t
• My computer is essentially dead for God knows what reason this time
So you see, I really didn’t have much choice! I know you’re disappointed; you’ve waited all year for this post to happen.
Please accept this peace offering as a sign that I never meant to hurt you, girl. There’s always next year, right?
After much hemming and hawing, I finally joined the “social networking,” AKA laziest dating app ever, Tinder.
And since I’ve been on it for about 48 hours, I’m basically an expert. Check out this fancy infograph and get ready for some harsh truthbombs.
So, I’m like Cameran from “Southern Charm” (and “Real World: San Diego,” but that’s another story): I’ve been sent from the heavens to help all you turds.
See? We’re basically twins.
Before we begin, I insist — for the first time in my life — that you listen to Kesha & Pitbull.
Step 1: Set up your profile properly.
You can add up to six photos from your Facebook account, so choose wisely.
The first/default picture should be a clear, well-lit shot of just you. If you’re in a group of guys, I have no idea which one you are. If you’re with kids, I don’t know if they’re yours or someone else’s. If you’re pixelated, I can’t tell if your face is blurry or it’s just your shit phone.
Your other photos can include those things, but keep in mind: This is a shallow service and we’re going off first impressions. Many girls will not swipe through to see more if they’re scratching their heads on photo #1.
Other tips for selecting photos:
- Don’t have pics with a bunch of seemingly random girls; you’re trying to DATE someone new and we don’t know them or your history
- Include a full-body shot and don’t get pissy about it — this is a two-way street
- Vary the content, unless you wear a polo and have a drink in hand at all times … we’d like to think you’re a little more complex than that
- Animals are featured often — nothing wrong with it, but don’t be that guy who “shows off” his dog to make a girl swoon
I just want to be her best friend.
Step 2: Don’t ruin those carefully selected photos with an awful “About” section.
I write for a living, so just shut up and listen.
Most people don’t read (I’m set for life, clearly). So don’t use 500 characters as an open invitation to tell your life story or hate on “why women swipe Yes but don’t message” you.
Bottom line: Forget writing a novel, throwing shade or misquoting an outdated movie. If I read one more “My apartment smells of rich mahogany lol,” I will lose it.
I’ve seen a lot of guys link to their other social accounts — namely Instagram — and who list their height. I’m not necessarily against either, but keep that username in mind when sharing with a potential lady friend. Read: bang_gang69 is not attractive.
Step 3: You’re matched! Don’t be an idiot.
Congratulations! You’ve picked decent photos and didn’t scare her off … yet. Now, don’t screw it up.
I’m not super-old school, but I do think guys should feel confident within this app to send the first message after matching. It shows self-assuredness and a willingness to be the first man she’s met who isn’t scared to approach her.
Make an observation about one of her pictures … not her boobs, but ask what’s in the drink she’s holding or what song she was dancing to.
Ask how her day is going, or what she would be doing on a normal [insert day] if she weren’t on Tinder.
Anything but “Hey,” “What’s up?” or something wildly offensive should work.
The beauty of Tinder is how non-committal it is. You swipe and swipe and swipe, and hopefully your battery dies before you seriously embarrass yourself or kill your chances.
Despite my self-proclaimed expert status, I need to know: Am I missing any tips? Let me know in the comments — and happy hunting!
So, the Oscars were Sunday — did you guys hear about this? Didja see this? I put my best, most-critical foot forward and did what anyone from my incredibly self-absorbed generation would do: I tweeted.
Sure, there are about a million recaps of the night’s ceremonies … but how many of those were written by me? Answer: ONE.
Here’s all you needed to know about the 2014 Oscars:
Pharrell wore that big, stupid hat he brought to the GRAMMYs.
Lupita Nyong’o gave an incredible speech & stunned in a blue gown.
Cuba Gooding, Jr. was in a really bizarre-o Pepsi commercial.
John Travolta completely botched Idina Menzel’s name.
BONUS: See how he’d screw yours up!
No mention of the pizza gag that ran on too long …
No need to talk about the stupid fucking #selfie that broke Twitter …
Just some good, old-fashioned Oscars love.
What was your favorite moment?
I learned rather quickly today the best and worst things about Halloween here in New York …
- BEST: You’re not sure if other people are in costume or their everyday attire.
- WORST: The guy dressed as “Cast Away” yelled at you for not giving him money.
- BONUS: He followed up with a rant about how he speaks American. Gotta love it.
Have a safe and happy Halloween! Here’s hoping the only spirits visiting you are 80 Proof — and enjoy this awesome playlist my co-worker made for the frightful night ahead 🙂
I have a love-hate relationship with the DVR — it’s convenient, keeps me entertained and can be a real time-saver (ha). On the other hand, it doesn’t always record properly and gives me anxiety when the storage nears 2/3 full.
More painstaking than that, however, is the annual wait to see which shows will be renewed by major networks. While piles of crap like “2 & 1/2 Men” float by — TEN seasons, really?! — gems with actual merit are removed without a second thought. I’m still mourning the loss of “Best Friends Forever,” though I enjoy Jessica as the Marshall’s lady and Lennon’s brief appearance on “Mad Men.”
Although my taste level is questionable — I will defend The Real Housewives for sheer entertainment value at all costs — I cannot fathom why wit and charm are passed over for laugh tracks and seediness. Blech.
After finales air throughout the next few weeks, my DVR will finally get a much-needed break … because the only thing worse than the spring schedule coming to a close is the utter despair a “summer season” brings. TGFRHONJ!