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I’m Basically the CEO of Awesome

We’ve been working on a high-priority project, and I’m naturally rocking it like a hurricane. My Creative Director needed copy for a mock-up of different sales we offer, including one with the (fake) promo code TREAT.

My Parks & Rec inspired suggestion? TREAT YO’SELF.

It’s been weeks, and I still say it like they’ve never heard it before.
Because it’s hilarious.
And you gotta celebrate small victories in the workplace.

At least I’m not getting kicked out of the MTV Movie Awards for these antics, right?

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All Fired Up: “Top Chef: Seattle” Finale

WARNING: This post contains spoilers. Do not continue reading if you didn’t “Bravo,” AKA watch what happened!

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I’ve seen every season of “Top Chef” without fail — even the Masters, All-Stars and Just Desserts spin-offs. I’ve bet my friend Cosmo the past few seasons, this time with a draft of chef teams (I won, natch). But I worry my dedication will change if it continues to be so gimmicky.

The finale began with a cheering crowd of 150+ diners. Host Padma Lakshmi greeted us to explain the remaining two chefs’ challenge: Create any five courses. The first chef to create three winning dishes will be crowned the 10th Top Chef — and only second female to do so.

Each plate served at Judges’ Table produced a round win before the chefs were sent back to cook again.

So why the need for a live audience? Why not just cook for the world’s toughest critics, plus the judges who’ve scrutinized them since the first week? It all feels campy and hacked.

The rest of the episode was chopped up with moments from this season and the past nine, something I’d rather be left for a reunion special than a finale. We’ve already watched each week; we know what went down. Showcase the techniques they’ve put into what’s now the most important plates of their lives.

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I’d already scowled at the return of “Last Chance Kitchen,” which gives axed chefs the opportunity to rejoin the competition at semifinals — and in Kristen’s case, cook their way into the finale to win it all. Sure, she had to beat out the other losers. But the beauty of “Top Chef” for the first eight seasons was being sent packing for ONE bad dish.

Then, there was the #SaveChef competition, where Twitter users vote to have a chef try AGAIN in “Last Chance Kitchen” to possibly rejoin at semifinals. Someone could, in theory, win the whole shebang with three extra lives.

In past seasons, too much salt sent home a culinary prodigy. A frozen protein was the farewell ticket for others. The choices they make under pressure should be enough to speak for their decisiveness, and giving them another chance (or more!) is as infuriating as awarding participation trophies.

I still love Padma, Tom, Gail, et al. I know I’ll keep coming back, if only for the annual wager with Cosmo.

I’d just love to see it return to what made it such a likable show to begin with: chefs cooking for world-renowned judges, and not succumbing to the pressures of reality TV.

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55th GRAMMY Awards: Red Carpet + Recap

Returning host LL Cool J tucked his ears into a Kangol hat and shared a handful of awful puns to bring music superstars together tonight.

His personal stories were long-winded and confusing, though not quite on par with Jodie Foster’s now infamous Emmy speech.

The red carpet coverage was entertaining, but can we all back off from pushing the social media stuff? Hashtag: It’s overkill.

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The Fashions: Some snoozes, some surprises

  • Finally dressing her age, Taylor Swift’s flowing gown was stunning. And that’s the only nice thing I’ll say about her tonight.
  • Jennifer Lopez clearly missed the restricted dress-code memo (and later joked about it). Honey, your cooch is loose. Oh also? You’re FORTY-THREE.
  • Usually adventurous Beyonce donned a bland pantsuit, but she’s Queen B and looked gorgeous anyway. Former DC3 band mate Kelly Rowland wowed in my fave dress of the night.
  • Katy Perry said she channeled Priscilla Presley, and I think The King himself would be pleased with her tribute. Va-va-voooom — but where were notoriously wacky Lady Gaga and Nicki Manaj?
  • Katy’s BFF Rihanna looked far more glamorous than I’ve seen her in a while, and first-timer Carly Rae Jepsen slinked and sparkled in a gorgeous gown.
  • No idea what Adele was thinking, but I’ll allow post-pregnancy brain as her excuse.

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The Performances: Where actors prove their relevance for attending

  • Taylor Swift opened with that awful never, ever song — in a surprising departure from her sickly sweet scenery. Still no rhythm, Tay Tay. Like, ever.
  • Sir Elton John and Ed Sheeran collaborated to perform a dazzling rendition of the latter’s hit single “The A Team.”
  • Neil Patrick Harris included Barney Stinson trademark “legendary” in his introduction of fun. for their sweet ballad, “Carry On.”
  • Quintessential douche John Mayer stood with icon Bonnie Raitt. They announced Miranda Lambert and tour mate Dierks Bentley’s too-loud dual duets. Say that five times fast!
  • Is Johnny Depp homeless now? He sure looks it. Mumford & Sons strummed and sung an electric “I Will Wait” to shift our focus away from Depp’s derelict designs.
  • Beyonce and Ellen DeGeneres paired up perfectly to introduce OMG JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. His “Suit and Tie” world premiere was simply fantastical, even better in, you guessed it: black and white. Jay Z joined in because he can and we loved him for it.
  • Maroon 5 led with “Daylight” before Alicia Keys brought it home with “Girl on Fire.” Adam Levine is better speaking, not singing. Alicia’s crooning (and drumming!) saved my ears yet again.
  • Rihanna and Mickey Echo belted “Stay” to a silenced crowd. Finally, a Ri Ri song I don’t hate!
  • 1 Broke Girl Kat Dennings announced The Black Keys, performing alongside Preservation Hall Jazz Band and Doctor John. Hipster magic was made and they lived happily ever after.
  • Kelly Clarkson paid homage to Patti Page and Bonnie Tyler with respective renditions of “The Tennessee Waltz” and “A Natural Woman.” Get it, girl.
  • The much-anticipated Bob Marley tribute kicked off with Bruno Mars and his lovable backup dancers, followed by powerhouse performers Sting, Rihanna and Damian and Ziggy Marley. Shout-out to everyone singing along, especially NPH and that one white guy with his arms crossed.
  • The Lumineers nailed “Ho Hey” before introducing Jack White. The former was an entertaining escape; the latter was reminiscent of old jams to The White Stripes. Even Nicole Kidman said it was awesome.
  • Newcomer Hunter Hayes warbled through “Wanted,” but I’m told that’s how it should sound. Carrie Underwood appeared with “Blown Away.” Yet another example of sound techs needing to check before they wreck!
  • An acoustic and bilingual “Your Song” by Latin GRAMMY winner Juanes was soft and sweet before introducing Frank Ocean for “Forrest Gump.” Lieutenant Dan, ICE CREAM?!
  • LL Cool J teamed up with Travis Barker and others to close the show. “WHADDUP” felt out of place, but I always enjoy a “No Sleep Till Brooklyn” nod.

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The Winners: 3.5 hours of coverage, and only 11 televised gramaphones

  • Spicy songsters Jennifer Lopez and Pitbull presented Best Pop Solo Performance to Adele for her live version of “Set Fire to the Rain.” In a 15ish-second speech, she held the award awkwardly and called J. Lo her good luck charm. Adorbs all around.
  • Hot-this-moment Miguel and Wiz Khalifa worked the crowd in patterned suits before presenting Best Country Solo Performance to American (Idol) sweetheart Carrie Underwood for “Blown Away.” Her heartfelt speech was also short and sweet.
  • Country’s favorite couple (right, guys?) Tim McGraw and Faith Hill awarded fun. with coveted Song of the Year honor for “We Are Young,” as performed with Janelle Monae. Many thanks were given to their fellow musicians, with Jay Z shouting back “You’re welcome!” Classic HOVA.
  • Proud presenters Kelly Rowland and Nas announced first-ever Best Urban Contemporary Album winner Frank Ocean for Channel Orange. You mad, Chris Brown?
  • Producer of the Year Dan Auerbach was announced by Pauly Perrette and my future first husband, Dave Grohl. They then honored Auerbach’s band mates, The Black Keys, with Best Rock Performance for “Lonely Boy.”
  • Kaley Cuoco shouted alongside American Idol judge Keith Urban to present first AI winner Kelly Clarkson with Best Pop Vocal Album. She rambled and ran around like a crazy person. Perfection.
  • Carly Rae Jepsen and Ne-Yo presented Jay Z, Kanye West, Frank Ocean and The Dream with Best Rap Song Collaboration. Mr. West was absent, but Jay Z killed again.
  • Best Country Album went to The Zac Brown Band for Uncaged, and their thanks to the fans brought roars from the crowd.
  • Eyelash line creator Katy Perry joked and presented Best New Artist to fun., who should definitely change that period to an exclamation point (NPH)! Their pee jokes were great too.
  • The man, the legend, the symbol, the cane: Prince! He handed over the GRAMMY for Record of the Year to Gotye and Kimbra for “Somebody That I Used to Know.” No surprise there.
  • 2012’s GRAMMY cleaner-upper, Adele, presented Album of the Year to Mumford & Sons for “Babel.” Their flirtation with the crowd (and Adele) was both humble and humorous.

Before its In Memoriam segment, The GRAMMY Foundation announced a brand-new category, set to begin in 2014: The Music Educator Award.

And speaking of education, the touching Sandy Hook tribute brought a wealth of performers together — and the crowd to its feet.

Did you watch? How do you think it compared to last year’s event?

Wittyburg Elections 2012

Did you guys know it’s an election year? I hadn’t heard until recently — and even then, I thought it was an election for the next Olympic Master of Ceremonies. (McCartney 2016, anyone?) Sarcasm-laden sentences aside, I am suuuper ready for the presidential election to be dunzo.

And since the results will only mean more complaining and political posts, I’ve got my own nominations for Wittyburg Elections 2012. Get your ballots in now!

Voting Key: (I) = Incumbent, (C) = Challenger

Best Campaign Gaffe

  • (I) Biden’s Awkward Biker Pic – Nothing says “Vote!” like an old white guy hanging with Hell’s Angels.
  • (C) Romney’s “Binders Full of Women” Comment – Inspiring thousands of Halloween costumes.

Worst Song of 2012

Best Arnett Kid

  • (I) Abel – As my brother will tell you, first-born is always the favorite.
  • (C) Archie – His ginger death stare is terrifying.

Worst Natural Disaster

  • (I) Lindsay Lohan – There’s no saving this Hollywood train wreck.
  • (C) Hurricane Sandy* – 8 million without power and landmarks destroyed.

Best Cast of “The Real Housewives”

  • (I) New Jersey – Flipping tables was just the beginning.
  • (C) Atlanta – Former Miss USA joins the cast … let the drama unfold.

Make sure you vote in the presidential election too, of course, and check out the Honey Boo Boo costume contest I’m seriously part of. Real life.

*Regarding the horrific Hurricane Sandy, take two minutes and donate to The Red Cross to support relief efforts.

Witty in Fitty: Fart Attack

Last night’s episode of “Parks and Recreation” reminded me just how much I adore the swag-tastic Tom Haverford.

Let’s take a moment to see poor Jerry go into cardiac arrest — and Tom’s ridiculous reaction (skip to 9:21 in).

And then, there’s this:

Is it possible to marry a fictional character?

How “Jersey Shore” Changed My Life

Tonight is the premiere of the sixth and final season of MTV’s “Jersey Shore.” A show that defined many college nights (and drinking games, as a result), I’m sad to say farewell to my favorite guidos and guidettes. Are they ridiculous? Absolutely. But they’ve changed my life in so many ways:

Every house should have a duck phone: Snooki struggling with the duck phone in the first season remains one of my favorite moments from the years. I hear eBay has a nice selection.


FPC is the only way to be: Fist pump, Push up, Chapstick isn’t just a motto, it’s a way of life — and I much prefer it to Gym, Tan, Laundry (GTL). Who wants to do laundry when you can just slather on some sweet lip balm?


Hooking up with roommates is messy: Virtually every cast mate has been with the other, and the only result is massive drama. This isn’t surprising, so much as it is a car wreck you can’t stop watching.


Dissolved my love of leopard: Any appreciation I had for animal print quickly dissipated after seeing Snooki and crew completely wear out the trend. The poof is right up there too.


What REAL drunk and disorderly looks like: I grew up in Daytona, and I went to college … but nothing can quite prepare you for a drunk Deena on the loose (cuca out and all).

Expanded my vocabulary: Among many other words and phrases, I am now familiar with these JS-ims: grenade (ugly person, usually girl), smush (have sex), cuca (lady bits), gorilla juicehead (buff dude, without brains).

How to be the “the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet”: It’s Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola’s trademark line, but I didn’t get it until we were a few seasons in. She’s a whole new level of cray cray.


No relationship will ever be as f’ed up as Ron and Sam: Speaking of Sammi, her on-again, off-again relationship with Ronnie Ortiz-Magro goes down in history as the most tumultuous of all time. God help us if they ever have kids.


How to goof off at work: Summers at The Shore Store, a gelato shop and pizzeria simply provided endless hours for the cast to goof off. Hiding from the boss, dipping out for a drink, picking up strangers … I’m not even mad, really; I’m impressed.

This is only a small sampling of the life lessons these crazy people have provided. What are your favorite “Jersey Shore” moments?

Mitch Says, “Write It Down”

Taking a break from Olympics mania for a moment to share this incredible look into late comedian Mitch Hedberg’s life. (Thanks to Cosmo for the find.)

The video features widow Lynn reading from Mitch’s personal notebooks, including jokes and insight for aspiring writers. It’s heartbreaking to watch her go through his collection, but it’s inspiring and heartwarming as well.

I remember hearing of Mitch’s death when I was a senior in high school and immediately calling a close friend who was a fellow fan.

The man had a million one-liners — some smart and some silly — but all hilarious. Check out his Comedy Central special, which was my introduction to Hedberg, and remember: Write it down.

Lessons from London

I’ve watched the 2012 Summer Olympics from my couch for a week now, so clearly I’m an athletic expert. Here are some things I’ve learned along the way and would love to share with the regular people.

The last person on Earth I’d expect to see cover the games is Seacrest.

My cartwheels will need to improve if I want to make it to Rio.
Glitter hairspray and scrunchies alone won’t get me there.

It could never work out between me and Russell Holmes.
He’s Mormon and I don’t like to share. Matt Anderson will have to do.

Debbie Phelps gets exponentially more insufferable every four years.

NBC’s lack of coverage from Speed Walking is thoroughly disappointing.

A Hollywood brat cheating makes bigger headlines on Facebook than history being made every day.

The U.S. Men’s Swimming team should be cast in “Magic Mike 2.”
Let those abs do the talking.

Trampoline is not nearly as exciting a sport as the name lends itself to be.

Kerri Walsh Jennings has two sons, one named Sundance. Real life.

The U.S. stole music from other countries, so I keep singing
“My Country ‘Tis of Thee” every time “God Save the Queen” plays.

We should learn Metrics as children.
I have no clue how long a 10,000m run is. (30,000ft? How many MILES?)

And, so you have it. Now back to prepping for tonight’s events … bring on the Badminton, please!

Breaking News: Jessica Simpson Isn’t a Complete Idiot

In national headlines because it’s a slow week for the zombie apocalypse, Weight Watchers has signed Jessica Simpson as its next star to shape up.

According to a radio report I’m sure I heard correctly, J. Simps gained 70 pounds during her never-ending pregnancy. SEVEN-ZERO. Daughter Maxwell Drew Johnson weighed in at 9 lbs., 13 oz. — so she has quite the uphill battle to shed the rest.

Whoa, baby.

The ever-astute Simpson posted on her Facebook page, “The cool thing about the program is that it focuses on healthy habits for the long-term (and I can still indulge in my guilty pleasures every now and then, too).”

How profound.

Lucky for her, WW is reportedly offering $4 million to get back into shape — I’m no mathematician, but that’s more than $70K per pound left to lose. Turning Simpson’s get-fat-from-food fetish into a multimillion-dollar deal? Maybe she isn’t a total idiot after all.

 You better work (after signing for millions).

For someone who infamously asked whether Chicken of the Sea was, in fact, chicken … I sure hope her Weight Watchers consultant can help her determine Points values.

My Five Most-Hated Commercials

I’m blessed with a sometimes-functioning DVR, so I typically don’t have to watch commercials. Aside from the Super Bowl, I don’t see the point in sitting through them.

But baseball season is here, and I’m watching a lot of live games — succumbing to the awfulness that is advertising 101. Here are the worst five I’ve seen lately:

5. Toast to the Douchebags

Solid marketing plan, Bud Light Platinum: Repurpose an already-stale product into a fresh bottle and put Kanye — King of the Douchebags — West’s “Runaway (Toast to the Douchebags)” as the backup track. I’ll drink to that.

4. Kit Kat Krunching Kraziness

My co-workers all know how much I loathe the sound of someone eating. The guy next to me managed to crunch his way through lasagna last week, and I nearly had a stroke. Enter this commercial … and a full-on lobotomy for one.

3. Kids’ Voices Are … Cute?

Set aside the fact that Subway constantly smells like baked turds. My ovaries shrink every time I hear a child speak, and this ad makes use of it with no explanation whatsoever. Children are best when silent — I’m looking at you, Kidz Bop.

2. Sarah McLachlan Somehow Makes Puppies Depressing

I’m an animal lover and have a much better chance of becoming a crazy dog lady than I do of becoming a mother. So why is it that Miss McLachlan has to overlay slow-motion pictures of abused animals and make me cry every damn time her commersh comes on? Save it for Lilith Fair, you wench.

1. Virgin Discusses Richard Branson’s Sexcapades

There’s no rhyme or reason to ever announce that a 61-year-old man is “here to service you.” Let’s not forget that he looks like he hasn’t showered or shaved since the ’80s. Gag me with a spoon.


Instead of being a complete stormy rain cloud of negativity, here’s one of my favorite ads of all time (NSFW-ish). Thanks to copyranter for the incredible find.

Which commercials make you cringe? Any I left out — let me know in the comments section below!