I flew about 3,000 miles since last week’s post and boy, are my arms tired. [Insert bad-joke rimshot noise here.] I’ll spare you any more corny jokes and get right to it:
- NYC: It’s a great time of year to be back in one of the most electrifying cities on Earth. The air and leaves are crisp, the people are crazy as ever, the Mets are hanging in there, and I feel very #blessed to spend a week in the city.
- Macy’s Herald Square: A big change with this visit is that my NYC team recently moved down the street to work in offices at Herald Square. It’s completely insane walking these hallowed halls and being right in the action — but I so appreciate the chance to “be a part of it.” 😉
- Halloween: Um, duh. This year, I have a friend’s wedding to attend and will then continue the celebration at my friends’ party. The costume isn’t as surprising as you might expect, but it’s still sure to be a winner. La la la la la.
- “Hello” – Adele: OK, so everyone and their mother — litchrlly — is obsessed with this new release from the queen of soulful singing. If this is what three years of anticipation brings us, I’d have to say it’s worth the wait. And the video? Damn, girl.
George Zimmerman has a girlfriend and Adam Levine is People‘s Sexiest Man Alive? My friend Kaley said it best — the world is going insane. What’s a girl to do when everyone else seems to be losing their mind? Earbuds in, music on, disappear from society. Here we go:
- SNL – “Worst Cover Songs of All Time”: This season had its hits and misses, but I cannot stop watching this hilarious infomercial for awesomely bad cover songs. Nathan Lane takes the cake by far!
- AcaBelles – “Royals”: I still haven’t seen “Pitch Perfect” (the horror!) but these ladies from FSU straight up kill Lorde’s song. Now, how do I do that mouth-drum thing?
- Phillip Phillips – “Gone, Gone, Gone”: I didn’t think this horribly named young man could do any better than last year’s smash single, “Home.” Boy, is my face red. Let’s just say obsession is putting it mildly here.
- Avicii – “Wake Me Up”: Full disclosure: I confuse this song with ol’ Phillip squared on a regular basis. The key difference? This one gets me pumped like none other.
Click the links above to watch, or enjoy the three I can embed (thanks a heap, SNL).
Returning host LL Cool J tucked his ears into a Kangol hat and shared a handful of awful puns to bring music superstars together tonight.
His personal stories were long-winded and confusing, though not quite on par with Jodie Foster’s now infamous Emmy speech.
The red carpet coverage was entertaining, but can we all back off from pushing the social media stuff? Hashtag: It’s overkill.
The Fashions: Some snoozes, some surprises
- Finally dressing her age, Taylor Swift’s flowing gown was stunning. And that’s the only nice thing I’ll say about her tonight.
- Jennifer Lopez clearly missed the restricted dress-code memo (and later joked about it). Honey, your cooch is loose. Oh also? You’re FORTY-THREE.
- Usually adventurous Beyonce donned a bland pantsuit, but she’s Queen B and looked gorgeous anyway. Former DC3 band mate Kelly Rowland wowed in my fave dress of the night.
- Katy Perry said she channeled Priscilla Presley, and I think The King himself would be pleased with her tribute. Va-va-voooom — but where were notoriously wacky Lady Gaga and Nicki Manaj?
- Katy’s BFF Rihanna looked far more glamorous than I’ve seen her in a while, and first-timer Carly Rae Jepsen slinked and sparkled in a gorgeous gown.
- No idea what Adele was thinking, but I’ll allow post-pregnancy brain as her excuse.
The Performances: Where actors prove their relevance for attending
- Taylor Swift opened with that awful never, ever song — in a surprising departure from her sickly sweet scenery. Still no rhythm, Tay Tay. Like, ever.
- Sir Elton John and Ed Sheeran collaborated to perform a dazzling rendition of the latter’s hit single “The A Team.”
- Neil Patrick Harris included Barney Stinson trademark “legendary” in his introduction of fun. for their sweet ballad, “Carry On.”
- Quintessential douche John Mayer stood with icon Bonnie Raitt. They announced Miranda Lambert and tour mate Dierks Bentley’s too-loud dual duets. Say that five times fast!
- Is Johnny Depp homeless now? He sure looks it. Mumford & Sons strummed and sung an electric “I Will Wait” to shift our focus away from Depp’s derelict designs.
- Beyonce and Ellen DeGeneres paired up perfectly to introduce OMG JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. His “Suit and Tie” world premiere was simply fantastical, even better in, you guessed it: black and white. Jay Z joined in because he can and we loved him for it.
- Maroon 5 led with “Daylight” before Alicia Keys brought it home with “Girl on Fire.” Adam Levine is better speaking, not singing. Alicia’s crooning (and drumming!) saved my ears yet again.
- Rihanna and Mickey Echo belted “Stay” to a silenced crowd. Finally, a Ri Ri song I don’t hate!
- 1 Broke Girl Kat Dennings announced The Black Keys, performing alongside Preservation Hall Jazz Band and Doctor John. Hipster magic was made and they lived happily ever after.
- Kelly Clarkson paid homage to Patti Page and Bonnie Tyler with respective renditions of “The Tennessee Waltz” and “A Natural Woman.” Get it, girl.
- The much-anticipated Bob Marley tribute kicked off with Bruno Mars and his lovable backup dancers, followed by powerhouse performers Sting, Rihanna and Damian and Ziggy Marley. Shout-out to everyone singing along, especially NPH and that one white guy with his arms crossed.
- The Lumineers nailed “Ho Hey” before introducing Jack White. The former was an entertaining escape; the latter was reminiscent of old jams to The White Stripes. Even Nicole Kidman said it was awesome.
- Newcomer Hunter Hayes warbled through “Wanted,” but I’m told that’s how it should sound. Carrie Underwood appeared with “Blown Away.” Yet another example of sound techs needing to check before they wreck!
- An acoustic and bilingual “Your Song” by Latin GRAMMY winner Juanes was soft and sweet before introducing Frank Ocean for “Forrest Gump.” Lieutenant Dan, ICE CREAM?!
- LL Cool J teamed up with Travis Barker and others to close the show. “WHADDUP” felt out of place, but I always enjoy a “No Sleep Till Brooklyn” nod.
The Winners: 3.5 hours of coverage, and only 11 televised gramaphones
- Spicy songsters Jennifer Lopez and Pitbull presented Best Pop Solo Performance to Adele for her live version of “Set Fire to the Rain.” In a 15ish-second speech, she held the award awkwardly and called J. Lo her good luck charm. Adorbs all around.
- Hot-this-moment Miguel and Wiz Khalifa worked the crowd in patterned suits before presenting Best Country Solo Performance to American (Idol) sweetheart Carrie Underwood for “Blown Away.” Her heartfelt speech was also short and sweet.
- Country’s favorite couple (right, guys?) Tim McGraw and Faith Hill awarded fun. with coveted Song of the Year honor for “We Are Young,” as performed with Janelle Monae. Many thanks were given to their fellow musicians, with Jay Z shouting back “You’re welcome!” Classic HOVA.
- Proud presenters Kelly Rowland and Nas announced first-ever Best Urban Contemporary Album winner Frank Ocean for Channel Orange. You mad, Chris Brown?
- Producer of the Year Dan Auerbach was announced by Pauly Perrette and my future first husband, Dave Grohl. They then honored Auerbach’s band mates, The Black Keys, with Best Rock Performance for “Lonely Boy.”
- Kaley Cuoco shouted alongside American Idol judge Keith Urban to present first AI winner Kelly Clarkson with Best Pop Vocal Album. She rambled and ran around like a crazy person. Perfection.
- Carly Rae Jepsen and Ne-Yo presented Jay Z, Kanye West, Frank Ocean and The Dream with Best Rap Song Collaboration. Mr. West was absent, but Jay Z killed again.
- Best Country Album went to The Zac Brown Band for Uncaged, and their thanks to the fans brought roars from the crowd.
- Eyelash line creator Katy Perry joked and presented Best New Artist to fun., who should definitely change that period to an exclamation point (NPH)! Their pee jokes were great too.
- The man, the legend, the symbol, the cane: Prince! He handed over the GRAMMY for Record of the Year to Gotye and Kimbra for “Somebody That I Used to Know.” No surprise there.
- 2012’s GRAMMY cleaner-upper, Adele, presented Album of the Year to Mumford & Sons for “Babel.” Their flirtation with the crowd (and Adele) was both humble and humorous.
Before its In Memoriam segment, The GRAMMY Foundation announced a brand-new category, set to begin in 2014: The Music Educator Award.
And speaking of education, the touching Sandy Hook tribute brought a wealth of performers together — and the crowd to its feet.
Did you watch? How do you think it compared to last year’s event?
I’m not sure whether I’m still mourning the end of the Olympics or just missing my boyfriend (Big Ben) terribly, but this week has me overly obsessed with all things LONDON. I’m not apologizing for it; I just thought you should know.
- Jane Green: My favorite Brit-Chick-Lit author never disappoints. “Jemima J” and “Straight Talking” are longtime personal favorites, and I’m about to dig into “The Patchwork Marriage” next.
- “Made in Chelsea”: I stumbled upon this import Monday night after watching “Sex and the City” reruns and avoiding the Pittsburgh-Kansas City game (that Big Ben and I need to talk). I’m totally hooked on the lives of Caggie, Spencer and the other young socialites.
- Daniel Craig: I’ve yet to see the latest Bond flick, but I know Mr. Craig’s piercing eyes and killer physique will satisfy plenty. Oh, and the action scenes. Yeah, those will be great.
- Adele: Speaking of “Skyfall,” I love this songbird’s dramatic soundtrack release. Her adorable baby boy makes her even more endearing — I just wish she and boyfriend Simon would name the kid, already!
I’m not the handiest of girls when it comes to DIY. The closest I get to “do it yourself” is “pay someone to do it for me and take credit for it later.” I’ve found a natural talent, though, and so I present my first ever how-to: not vomit on your desk.
Before you know it, you’ll be clocking out and vomit-free! Here’s how:
1. (A pre-project requirement) Get rip-roaringly drunk on a “school night.” Can’t remember your name? Good.
2. Text your mom at 1:30 a.m., requesting a wake-up call. This is key; you can’t rely on four preset alarms.
3. Grumble to your mother some six-point-five hours later that you’re awake. Forget to thank her for saving your ass.
Done and done.
4. Skip the shower, the makeup and all effort normally associated with work preparation. Well, brush your teeth — you’re not an animal.
5. Arrive at work in a haze, and then promptly head to Starbucks for a bagel and iced coffee. If you don’t work within walking distance of a Starbucks … oh, who am I kidding?
6. Put on a nice playlist — only soothing music will do. Adele is a must, as are Imogen Heap and Ingrid Michaelson. Stay far, far away from Adam Levine.
Don’t forget BBMak … duh.
7. Avoid all interactions with co-workers. They will only serve to annoy you, especially the crunchy lasagna guy.*
8. Cross your fingers for a space-time continuum, in which the hours pass like seconds. When that fails, cry to yourself a little.
9. Scheme with friends (note: people with whom you work and can actually stand) about which bars to hit later. If it’s Monday–Thursday, start again at step 1. If it’s Friday, no need to repeat the process!
See how easy that was? 9 steps later, and you conquered the workday like a boss.
Bonus video of the boss who helped revolutionize hip-hop: R.I.P. MCA
*An additional step, for the less fortunate than moi: Dry heave in the ladies’ room, silently praying the girl in the next stall judges you less for the gagging and more for your desperate need of pedicure.
I was going to post about something entirely different today, but then the 54th GRAMMY Awards happened.
LL Cool J served as host, and he opened the ceremony with a beautiful prayer to honor the late Whitney Houston. The evening’s breakdown is as follows:
The Fashions: Another awards show, another competition for weirdest outfit between …
- Lady Gaga – We barely heard about her this year, but she still managed to carry a scepter, throw a fishing net over herself and call it a style.
- Nicki Minaj – Not as outlandish as I expected, Miss Minaj only had a few ensembles, the worst of which was her cape and accompanying priest.
- Katy Perry – Does the woman ever mix up the monochrome? She was all about baby blue, and it wasn’t really working.
The Performances: Much-anticipated and mostly memorable, this year’s performers were …
- Bruce Springsteen and The E Street Band opened, without so much as a crotch shot. (Anyone else still haunted by that?)
- Bruno Mars brought the funk with a shout-out to Whitney that was reminiscent of his VMA tribute to Amy.
- Chris Brown still looks and sounds like a 16-year-old, but his dance moves are getting more interesting. Full disclosure: I kept waiting for him to fall from his Aggro Crag tower.
- Reba looked timeless as she introduced Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson for “Don’t You Wanna Stay?” Their mics were uneven, and Kelly’s stylist seriously needs to be fired.
- The Foo Fighters performed “Walk” outside the Staples Center, and Dave Grohl still has my heart. ‘Nuff said.
- Rihanna and Coldplay are generally two of my least favorite popular music performers, so I can’t be unbiased here. My ears didn’t bleed, which was new.
- Hey, Ryan Seacrest: Thanks for the puns, champ. Maroon 5 began with “Little Surfer Girl” — just when I thought Adam Levine’s voice couldn’t get any worse. Foster the People’s “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” was spot-on. And for their 50th anniversary, The Beach Boys put out “Good Vibrations,” while everyone in the audience looked really, really white singing and dancing along (even future hubby John Legend).
- Stevie Wonder forever remains a baller. Speaking to Whitney, playing the harmonica, singing a little … oh, and he introduced Sir Paul McCartney’s sleepy performance of “My Valentine.”
- The Civil Wars gave a stellar acoustic opening for Taylor Swift, who still hasn’t learned to dance. I’d tell you what she sang, but they all sound the same to me.
- Always-gorgeous Kate Beckinsale partnered with LL to introduce always-offbeat Katy Perry, proving once again that her songs are all slow as shit but layered over upbeat tracks.
- Gwyneth Paltrow welcomed Adele back to the stage — and “Rolling in the Deep” never sounded so good.
- Taylor Swift looked even more dowdy introducing a medley of Glen Campbell songs (does she even know who he is?). The Band Perry, Blake Shelton and the rhinestone cowboy himself came together for a toe-tapping trifecta. Campbell got a little lost at the end, making him all the more endearing.
- Following the In Memoriam tributes, Jennifer Hudson brought the crowd to its feet with an emotional “I Will Always Love You.”
- Remembering Don Cornelius, Soul Train legend, were Chris Brown, David Guetta and Lil’ Wayne in an LSD-induced dance-off. Bonus: The Foo Fighters rocked with “Rope” and a little help from DeadMau5.
- Drake introduced Nicki Minaj for her super-confusing mash-up, which went into a short film and “The Exorcism of Roman” — both were disturbing at best.
- Luckily, Sir Paul McCartney closed out the night with “Golden Slumbers” and redeemed the stage from Nicki’s head-scratching show.
The Winners: Only nine golden gramaphones were shown, those being …
- Presenters Alicia Keys and Bonnie Raitt began with “A Sunday Kind of Love“ by Etta James. Best Pop Solo Performance went to Adele for “Someone Like You,” and the crowd roared for the comeback queen’s victory.
- Fergie’s acting skills are still lacking, but she and Marc Anthony presented Best Rap Performance to Kanye West and new daddy Jay Z, who were not in attendance.
- Victor Cruz salsa danced his way into presenting Best Rock Performance with that girl from “NCIS” and fellow Giant Mario Manningham. Foo won for “Walk,” and Dave Grohl’s acceptance speech was wonderful — urging musicians to CREATE, instead of FABRICATE — no complaints here.
- Common and Taraji P. Henson presented Chris Brown’s “Fame” with the GRAMMY for Best R&B Album. As per usual, he opened his mouth and sounded like an idiot.
- NPH was suited up for Adele’s Song of the Year award, thanks to played-every-minute powerhouse “Rolling in the Deep.”
- Miranda Lambert and Dierks Bentley awarded Best Country Album to trio Lady Antebellum for “Own the Night.”
- Carrie Underwood sparkled alongside legend Tony Bennett, singing “It Had to Be You.” They then presented — a witty and admittedly uncomfortable — Bon Iver with the GRAMMY for Best New Artist.
- Lady Antebellum returned to the stage, awarding Record of the Year to clear favorite Adele for “Rolling in the Deep.” Her speech was a bit awkward, but you gotta love the way Brits say “fank you.”
- OG Diva Diana Ross received a standing O before presenting Album of the Year to Adele for “21.” Another standing O and a very emotional speech (with a “bit a snot”) later, the curtain fell.
And special props to Betty White, who won her first GRAMMY at just 90 years old.
I asked myself no less than 10 times why I was watching the awards, but I just couldn’t help myself. From tragedies to triumphs, it was one hell of a show.
No — here’s looking at you, kid.