So, the Oscars were Sunday — did you guys hear about this? Didja see this? I put my best, most-critical foot forward and did what anyone from my incredibly self-absorbed generation would do: I tweeted.
Sure, there are about a million recaps of the night’s ceremonies … but how many of those were written by me? Answer: ONE.
Here’s all you needed to know about the 2014 Oscars:
Pharrell wore that big, stupid hat he brought to the GRAMMYs.
Lupita Nyong’o gave an incredible speech & stunned in a blue gown.
Cuba Gooding, Jr. was in a really bizarre-o Pepsi commercial.
John Travolta completely botched Idina Menzel’s name.
BONUS: See how he’d screw yours up!
No mention of the pizza gag that ran on too long …
No need to talk about the stupid fucking #selfie that broke Twitter …
Just some good, old-fashioned Oscars love.
What was your favorite moment?
It’s been a hellish few days of crap-tacular catastrophes, but I’m still standing. I know, I’m surprised too. What better way to celebrate than with a Yankee, milestone, bottle of vino and scorned-woman anthem? Let’s get to it:
- Raúl Ibañez: My hero, my muse. Though he struck out last night to end a nail-biter against Detroit, the Yankees wouldn’t even be in the ALDS without him. I still believe in you, champ.
- Blogiversary: I’ve been so wrapped up in the MLB playoffs and FFL and insertacronymhere, I totally missed the 2-year birthday of Wittyburg.com! I’m gonna make a great parent. Thank you, a million times over, for taking part — whether you’re just joining or have been here since day one.
- Mark West Pinot Noir: I couldn’t quite believe I’d never nodded to the best Red of all time,* but I double-checked through my billions of posts.* Smooth, rich and slightly sweet, Mark West has all you need for a perfect boyfriend.
- “You Don’t Own Me”: Thank God for countless replays of “The First Wives Club” on Oxygen, so I could be reminded of SJP’s second-greatest work. The closing scene with Midler, Keaton and Hawn belting this jam gets me every time.
Doesn’t it just make you want to buy a white suit? No? Weird.
*This may be a slight exaggeration.