Tag Archive | funny

How-to: Win the Breakup

Courtesy of Shutterstock (clearly)There there, stock photo girl.

Down in the dumps after being dumped? Dry those mascara tears and listen up: This step-by-step guide guarantees* you’ll win the breakup (which should obviously be your top priority).

Step 1: Get dumped. If you must do the breaking-up, fine, but know you won’t win any sympathy points if you’re the dumper. On the flip side, bonus sympathy points if you’re dumped the night before a couples’ trip for your birthday.

Step 2: Debate internally about posting a public statement. Decide not to, then regret it every time yet another friend asks about your (ex) significant other. Feel like a total dick until you finally post a public blog about it.

Step 3: Feel like a total dick for posting a public blog about it.

Courtesy of 123RF.com (clearly)
I think I just found my Halloween costume.

Step 4: Say “yes” to all social activities. Join local organizations, such as Junior League or your sorority’s alumnae board. Volunteer. Go to the gym. Attend concerts. Get out of the damn house.

Step 5: Create a girl-power playlist. Yes, even if you’re a dude. If you’re too lazy to create one — like you’re sooo busy now — borrow one.

Step 6: Watch “The First Wives Club.” Watch it again. Put on a white skirt- or pantsuit. If you haven’t sashayed and belted out “You Don’t Own Me,” what kind of monster are you?

Courtesy of Sky.com

Step 7: Take this BuzzFeed quiz to see if you are, in fact, winning the breakup. No matter the result, you can pretend you got this:

Courtesy of Me! and BuzzFeed

Step 7a: DO NOT POST YOUR QUIZ RESULTS.

Step 8: Try your damndest to be genuinely happy for them and find happiness in yourself, too. Understand that your time will come — or it won’t — but feeling sorry for yourself isn’t going to help anyone, least of all you.

Did I miss any crucial steps? What are your tips for surviving a breakup, let alone “winning” one? Let me know in the comments below!

*Oh, honey. No guarantees.

 

WO: Weekly Obsessions

I’ve gone pretty much nonstop since last week, even writing this in between happy hours and other social outings. I’m not complaining, although my marathon of watching Olympics coverage has slowed down considerably.

And, as a sure sign that I’m officially 29, I was just “laying down for a nap” last Friday before this Rave of Thrones event, only to wake up hours later after missing the whole thing.

Image Credits Listed Below

  1. Britney/Taylor Mashup Night: I made up for lost time Saturday night with my first-ever visit to famed SF nightclub Bootie, because why else? It was Britney/Taylor Mashup Night! I expected a little more of “Bad Blood… One More Time,” but was truly amazed at the DJs’ abilities to mix Eminem, Black Sabbath and more with the queens of pop.
  2. Red Dog: Another day, another happy hour. This SOMA bar was the second stop on a night where I said farewell to both current co-workers and former colleagues who were leaving their respective companies. Red Dog was a perfect setting — friendly staff, delicious food and strong drinks.
  3. Barry’s Boot Camp: In case it wasn’t completely clear, I’m in need of a detox more than anything. Since that’s unlikely to ever happen, I’ve instead taken advantage of promotions through work to try “The Best Workout in the World.” It’s kicked my ass, motivated me and been, truly, one of the best group fitness classes I’ve ever tried. Best of all, the friends I made go with me are still speaking to me.
  4. Jessica’s “Daily Affirmation”: This toddler’s uplifting pep talk went viral a few years ago, but has recently made a resurgence and I’m not mad about it. Whether it’s your hair or your pajamas or your whole house, I hope you too have things you like and believe you can do anything good!

Images courtesy of: Bootie Mashup, Red Dog, Healthy Happier Bear, Cosmo UK

WO: Weekly Obsessions

I’m happy to report I made it safely back to SF, and even happier to report my four-day migraine has finally subsided. Is it possible my silent apartment was, in fact, deafening after eight days of nonstop fun with two nieces, two dogs and family galore?

Image Credits Listed Below

  1. RIO 2016: If you know anything about me from 2012 and 2014, you know “obsessed” is an understatement for how I feel about the Olympics. The opening ceremonies in Rio are Friday, and I can’t quite wait to fill the DVR with gymnastics, beach volleyball, swimming, sailing and speedwalking.
  2. Local Olympians: It wouldn’t be fair to mention my love for the games without highlighting alumni of my high school and college Greek life, respectively. Ryan Lochte already has 11 Olympic swimming medals, so why not add some more to the collection — and with a new ‘do? And Paige Railey hopes to sail her way to victory in her second Olympic games. Good luck, FL friends!
  3. Cosmo + Tasha Tie the Knot: In non-Olympics news, a good friend from my Tampa days will marry the love of his life in Napa next week. The celebrations start Friday, though, so it’s a good a time as ever to wish them well. Cheers to all this next chapter will bring, you two — I can’t wait to celebrate!
  4. U.S. Men’s Basketball Sings Vanessa Carlton: Is there anything better than a bunch of grown men, who are professional basketball players, singing a sickly sweet pop song? I submit that there is not. Carmelo just isn’t having it, but the other guys seem to know a good thing when they hear it.

Images courtesy of: Olympics, NY Daily News + Alchetron, Facebook, Today

WO: Weekly Obsessions

Between the KimYe/Taylor feud and Melania’s speech snafu, my TMZ sensors are firing on all cylinders. Luckily, I have just enough brainpower left for these things that really matter:

Image Credits Listed Below

  1. “Ghostbusters: Answer the Call”: I can’t remember a movie that had me laughing for nearly the entire time, but this reboot has four fantastic leading ladies, a bunch of throwback references and some awesome eye candy. That’s what I call a winning combo.
  2. A Visit Back East: It’s only been six months since I was last in Florida, but so much has changed in that time and I can’t wait to get there this weekend. If I spend the entire time squishing my niece’s cheeks and watching “Zootopia” with my other niece, then I think I’ll be just fine.
  3. “The Night Of”: I did not need another show to watch. Really, I didn’t. But a co-worker and another friend each told me how much I needed to see this one, and I caved. I’m glad I did… the premiere left me breathless from start to finish, and I can’t wait to see how the rest of this miniseries unfolds.
  4. “This Is What You Came For” – Calvin Harris f. Rihanna: I honestly could not care less about the drama surrounding Taylor’s songwriting contributions (or not) to this song. And I really, really didn’t want to like it, because, Rihanna. But damn, it’s an earworm. And despite my distaste for most EDM, this one really gets me pumped.

Images courtesy of: Prairie Dog Mag, Sustainable Benefits, Spoiler TV, Wikipedia

WO: Weekly Obsessions

Are y’all ready for this? You read that right, I’ve gone back to my southern roots for this week’s obsessions. Git along, little dogies.

Image Credits Listed Below

  1. Bible App: Easter was 60 days ago, and I know this because that’s the day I committed to a 60-day New Testament reading plan with my Bible app. I love that I get my spiritual fill in 10–15 minutes a day, and you can make fun images out of verses you enjoy.
  2. Nashville: What do you do when you’re feeling sorry for yourself after neglecting to make Memorial Day plans? Tack yourself onto a girls’ trip to Nashville and book your flight six days in advance. Crazy, but true. Can’t wait to kick up my boots with some of my fave gal pals, even if the ABC show was canceled mercilessly.
  3. Trick Dog: This bar has an obnoxious menu, and I admittedly wasn’t crazy-impressed during my first visit in February. But a friend and I stumbled upon it last weekend, and I absolutely enjoyed our experience. The steak tartare, “manimal” fries and Loch Ness “Monster” are all must-tries.
  4. Chewbacca Mom’s Carpool: I’m sure you’ve seen the Chewbacca Mom video, which is officially the most-watched Facebook Live post ever. Candace’s laugh is contagious, and her simple mantra to enjoy the simple things is exactly what we all need to heed. Enjoy her follow-up video, courtesy of cult hit “Carpool Karaoke.”

Images courtesy of: Bible, Visit Music City, Trick Dog, Metro UK

 

WO: Weekly Obsessions

I’m low on sleep but high on energy to bring you all this week’s finds. Here’s hoping I don’t crash before I finish…

WO_255

  1. La Croix Cocktails: I previously mentioned my love for La Croix flavored sparkling water. Well, I’m hopelessly addicted now that I have an endless supply at work. Good thing a writer at Gizmodo curated nine cocktail recipes to make with La Croix! Happy hour just got a little happier.
  2. RunKeeper: With my newfound Run Club at work, I wanted to try this wildly popular app to map my route and pace. The welcome series of emails was a little aggressive, but I’m otherwise pleased with the experience so far. Bonus: It’s on sale for just $20/year — get it while you can!
  3. Firefly: I recently celebrated three months with my company by joining my referring co-worker and our mutual friend at this spot in Noe Valley. It’s largely veg-focused, but I can attest that the fried chicken and biscuit were also stellar. It was a nice departure from my usual menu, especially with the tart and vibrant fried green tomatoes. Yum!
  4. Jay Pharaoh: SNL’s king of impressions has done it again — this time, mimicking various rappers. Best of all, host and musical guest Drake had something to say about it. Despite the crap quality (thanks for hoarding your videos, SNL), you won’t be disappointed, fam.*

Images courtesy of: Gizmodo, Google Play, Pinterest, Billboard

*Am I using that correctly? I’m too old and white to be cool.

WO: Weekly Obsessions


Mea culpa, you guys. That’s old speak for “my bad.” This week has been so crazy — awesome, but crazy nonetheless — I totally failed on curating new obsessions.

Please accept my paltry offering of Adele on “Carpool Karaoke” as penance and stay tuned for an extra-amazing WO next week.

WO: Weekly Obsessions

It could be my packed personal and professional lives or the fact that I’m just coming out of a Benadryl fog, but hump day came way too quickly this week. Here’s hoping the next few hundred words are somewhat coherent 😉
 Image Credits Listed Below

  1. Dita Von Teese: The queen of burlesque brought her “Strip, Strip Hooray!” show to SF this week, and I had the pleasure of going last night. From jewel-encrusted lingerie to breathtaking choreography and a hilarious emcee, it did not disappoint. My only note would be to get balcony seats next time, for the best view of a spectacular show.
  2. Baseball’s Back: I’m a little late to the game (ha!) on this one, but I’m pumped for the return of America’s pastime. Bonus: We have a teambuilding outing at tomorrow’s game, and I can’t wait to be back in the bleachers of AT&T Park. Disclaimer: I’m still — first and foremost — a Yankees fan. But I have local pride and will support the Giants so long as they’re not in the World Series against the Yanks… because then it’s a win-win-win anyway.
  3. Calm: I have a confession, you guys: I have a hard time relaxing. I know, I know — you’re shocked. This meditation app has helped me over the past month or so to focus for 10–20 minutes a day on just being. Meditation wasn’t really my thing, but I’m sufficiently hooked and enjoying the practice of letting things go.
  4. “Let It Go” – James Bay: (Speaking of) Not to be confused with the impossible-to-escape Frozen soundtrack, this song simply touches my heart and is a clear, calming reminder of love lost. I’m a little biased since I’m seeing him in concert Friday night, but I think you’ll like this one… maybe even more than “Hold Back the River.”

Images courtesy of: Goldstar, SF Giants, Google Play, Wikipedia

WO: Weekly Obsessions

I’m back from a fabulous girls’ trip in Texas, and despite an amazing time away, I returned with unwanted souvenirs… I woke up in our AirBnb Sunday morning covered with welts that I feared to be bed bug bites.

A lot of Benadryl, bug sprays, laundry and itching later, and I’m finally seeing some of the bumps go away — not the ones on my face, of course. As you can imagine, it’ll be a long time before I trust AirBnb’s services again. In any event, here are four things that have helped keep me in good spirits: Image Credits Listed Below

  1. San Antonio River Walk: We walked all along this beautiful part of town, enjoying a plethora of food and drink options, plus a relaxing riverboat tour. We experienced a few bee swarms (I’m clearly a magnet for insects), but luckily, no one was stung. The weather was perfect, and I’d definitely recommend exploring if you’re ever in San Antonio.
  2. Austin’s Driskill Hotel: There were tons of places we were told to see in Austin, too, but the Driskill Hotel took my breath away. Stunning architecture, true Texan decor and delicious specialty cocktails made for an enchanting evening overall. Plus, I hear it’s haunted 😀
  3. Warriors Making History: The Bay Area is electric with the hot-hot-hot Warriors and their run to become the winningest NBA team ever. Fingers crossed they can take it to the house tonight and make history happen. I can’t afford tickets anyway, but I’ll be watching from my couch with sweaty palms and a cold beer.
  4. Brothers Prank Sister with Zombie Apocalypse: What good is having your sibling on post-op Novocain if you can’t capture their reactions on YouTube? The three Phillips brothers took advantage of their sister’s wisdom tooth surgery and pulled off a ridiculous zombie apocalypse prank. It’s no wonder the viral video has more than 9 million views.

Also, this is my 250th Weekly Obsessions post! I can’t quite believe it’s been such a long-running tradition, but I thank each of you who continues to read every week. Xoxo 🙂

Images courtesy of: Timeshare Presentation Deals, 365 Things Austin, Rant Sports, ABC 13

WO: Weekly Obsessions

As the first quarter of 2016 comes to a close, I can’t quite believe how much has happened. From weddings to babies, a Presidential circus and more, I’m eager — and a little terrified — of what the rest of 2016 will bring. Buckle up, folks:

 Image Credits Listed Below

  1. A Burrito Baby: Comedians and friends MK and Ella are doing their part to “keep Austin weird.” They recently released a gorgeous series of faux pregnancy photos, entitled “Burrito Makes Three.” Let’s be real, though: There are plenty of couples I could see doing this and being 100% serious.
  2. Lilica’s Puppies: Speaking of fun photo shoots, you may have heard about the maternity photo shoot for a dog — which was just about as cute as can be. Well, Lilica the dachshund had her puppies the very next day and now an all-new shoot was published with her FIVE adorable babes. All the feels and squeals.
  3. Wentworth Miller Speaks Out: Mental health is often a hush-hush topic, but the “Prison Break” star penned a post that’s making people talk. His response to a meme poking fun at his weight has been shared more than 200K times in two days, expressing his past struggles and present attention to assign meaning. Grab the tissues and read it for yourself here.
  4. Muir Beach Trail: One of my work teams completed this 5-mile trail hike on Friday, and let me tell you: It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. Sweeping views of the Pacific, gorgeous scenery and an uphill trek that my phone logged as SIXTY-TWO stories… not a bad Good Friday at all, folks.

Images courtesy of: Burrito Makes Three, Anna Fotografia, Facebook, Me