After four tattoos, countless dental procedures and a lifetime of awkwardness, you’d think my pain threshold would be pretty high.

I’ve just learned, though, that’s not the case: My neck’s completely out of whack and I’m being a giant baby about it.

I’m near-tears all day, and sleeping for more than 20 minutes is my latest Everest.

Is it too much to ask for a magic genie to fix me right up? Totally willing to use one of my wishes if it means I can live in peace.

I’m not trying to be dramatic or anything, but I literally feel like I’m going to die. Robin Williams can show up aaaanytime now.

Cannot even handle it.