It’s time for the next installment of this series, wherein I complain about first world problems — AKA things I should be grateful I have access to but annoy me anyway.
Today’s topic: Fantasy Football.
You may recall my announcement last year, just before Team Honey Boo Boo careened off the tracks into a fury of fantasy football failure.
I have an even bigger problem this year, though. I don’t have a league.
It’s been brought to my attention that my former commish is not interested in taking money from people who no longer live in Florida.
Excuse me — rather, he’s only allowing ONE person from out of state to play and the rest of us are left leagueless.
I know what a pain it is to have people Skype in and draft.
I get it. Really, I do.
Prove it, you say?
Because I sat through it last year for ONE person.
My issue is: If they’re letting that same ONE person draft from afar, then what’s the big deal with having a few more do it? Hell, put my team on Autodraft (it’ll probably be better for us all that way).
But don’t take it away for people who pay up (on time, mind you) each season.
Apparently, leaving Floriduh is FROWNED UPON IN THIS ESTABLISHMENT!*
*The .gif I wanted to create from this video refuses to load. Double whammy.
Some family news had me all shook up last weekend, and I’ve been a bit melancholy since. Pensive, of course … I just don’t want it to turn into a permanent state. These four guys have helped me to get out of my own head a little bit and just relax.
- Llama Tasered in … Florida: Of course, Floriduh. My home state is notorious for breeding its own special brand of crazy, and this story is no exception. A co-worker legit sent it to me because “the headline reminded [her] of [me].”
- Ben & Jerry’s Late Night Snack: You already know a date night with these two main men is pretty wonderful. But this edition, inspired by Jimmy Fallon, is my absolute can’t-live-without. Salty, sweet and swirly.
- Prancercise!: I heard rumblings of this video last week but finally watched it Monday. And while exercise really is good for you to de-stress, I much prefer laughing till my sides hurt. Her rhyming instructions seal the deal.
- “The Girl” – City and Colour: Music will forever have healing properties for me, and this ditty is a recent fave. Starts slow, hits the hook and captures a relationship so magically.
Enjoy two scoops of YouTube, no extra charge!
If you’ve spent 10 seconds in Florida, you’re already aware that nobody here should have a license. And if you haven’t had the distinct honor of visiting God’s waiting room, then shorely you’ve read my rant about it and are well-informed.
This problem only grows progressively worse throughout the summer as storm clouds roll in. They establish residency quicker than Elian ever could, and they make everyday travel a real pain in my ass. What’s a state full of geriatrics and idiots to do?
- Go slow. Too slow. Do less. You might as well be going backward. If you approach the 20 MPH mark, come to a halt immediately. Don’t you dare allow the stumbling homeless man’s speed intimidate you.
- Tailgate. I’m not talking grilling brats and drinking brewskies, I’m saying to follow so closely that you can read the back of my Spice Girls shirt. And judge me for it.
- Stall out. While this one can’t always be avoided, I highly suggest you think before driving your MINI Cooper through streets with 3 feet of standing water. Oh, you flooded the engine? I, for one, am shocked!
- Frantically change lanes every 5–10 seconds. The left lane is moving, so you move over. Dammit, now the right is zooming … guess you’ll have to switch back. Ack, the guy on the left is turning; hurry! Why bother staying in one lane? Amateurs.
- Swerve without looking. Similar to changing lanes like a tard, you’ll need to swerve around puddles — but only do so without checking for cars around you. Really, you didn’t see my tank of an SUV? That’s because you’re too busy with your head up your sphincter.
I’m not saying gun it to 88, Doc Brown. I’m just saying I’d like to reach my destination sometime before I hit retirement — and in one piece, no less. Based on this week’s forecast, that’s not likely to happen.