We’re just a few weeks away from Halloween, which means I will inevitably over-commit and obsessively plan a costume. Before I completely blow a gasket, let’s enjoy these little guys:
- Venmo: This app is a total lifesaver for quick and easy money transfers, like an even better PayPal! Split the dinner bill, pay up for tickets — anything you need, it’s done in a flash.
- Dogs Impersonating Biden: The Internet Gods have smiled upon us to bring a collection of pairings that’s even sillier than it sounds: VP Joe Biden and his canine counterparts. You read that right. Check it out before you judge the hell out of me.
- Cal Academy Nightlife: The Cal Academy of Science hosts a Nightlife series on Thursdays, and last week’s Sharktoberfest was a fab intro to it. Live music, 20+ local breweries, shark trivia and more — for just $12 entry!
- “Girls Chase Boys” – Ingrid Michaelson: I love me some Ingrid, and she loves to love us back. Her gooey inspiration for the song? “No matter who or how we love, we are all the same. … We all chase each other and in the end we are all chasing after the same thing: love.”
I’m not the handiest of girls when it comes to DIY. The closest I get to “do it yourself” is “pay someone to do it for me and take credit for it later.” I’ve found a natural talent, though, and so I present my first ever how-to: not vomit on your desk.
Before you know it, you’ll be clocking out and vomit-free! Here’s how:
1. (A pre-project requirement) Get rip-roaringly drunk on a “school night.” Can’t remember your name? Good.
2. Text your mom at 1:30 a.m., requesting a wake-up call. This is key; you can’t rely on four preset alarms.
3. Grumble to your mother some six-point-five hours later that you’re awake. Forget to thank her for saving your ass.
Done and done.
4. Skip the shower, the makeup and all effort normally associated with work preparation. Well, brush your teeth — you’re not an animal.
5. Arrive at work in a haze, and then promptly head to Starbucks for a bagel and iced coffee. If you don’t work within walking distance of a Starbucks … oh, who am I kidding?
6. Put on a nice playlist — only soothing music will do. Adele is a must, as are Imogen Heap and Ingrid Michaelson. Stay far, far away from Adam Levine.
Don’t forget BBMak … duh.
7. Avoid all interactions with co-workers. They will only serve to annoy you, especially the crunchy lasagna guy.*
8. Cross your fingers for a space-time continuum, in which the hours pass like seconds. When that fails, cry to yourself a little.
9. Scheme with friends (note: people with whom you work and can actually stand) about which bars to hit later. If it’s Monday–Thursday, start again at step 1. If it’s Friday, no need to repeat the process!
See how easy that was? 9 steps later, and you conquered the workday like a boss.
Bonus video of the boss who helped revolutionize hip-hop: R.I.P. MCA
*An additional step, for the less fortunate than moi: Dry heave in the ladies’ room, silently praying the girl in the next stall judges you less for the gagging and more for your desperate need of pedicure.