I’m not the handiest of girls when it comes to DIY. The closest I get to “do it yourself” is “pay someone to do it for me and take credit for it later.” I’ve found a natural talent, though, and so I present my first ever how-to: not vomit on your desk.
Before you know it, you’ll be clocking out and vomit-free! Here’s how:
1. (A pre-project requirement) Get rip-roaringly drunk on a “school night.” Can’t remember your name? Good.
2. Text your mom at 1:30 a.m., requesting a wake-up call. This is key; you can’t rely on four preset alarms.
3. Grumble to your mother some six-point-five hours later that you’re awake. Forget to thank her for saving your ass.
Done and done.
4. Skip the shower, the makeup and all effort normally associated with work preparation. Well, brush your teeth — you’re not an animal.
5. Arrive at work in a haze, and then promptly head to Starbucks for a bagel and iced coffee. If you don’t work within walking distance of a Starbucks … oh, who am I kidding?
6. Put on a nice playlist — only soothing music will do. Adele is a must, as are Imogen Heap and Ingrid Michaelson. Stay far, far away from Adam Levine.
Don’t forget BBMak … duh.
7. Avoid all interactions with co-workers. They will only serve to annoy you, especially the crunchy lasagna guy.*
8. Cross your fingers for a space-time continuum, in which the hours pass like seconds. When that fails, cry to yourself a little.
9. Scheme with friends (note: people with whom you work and can actually stand) about which bars to hit later. If it’s Monday–Thursday, start again at step 1. If it’s Friday, no need to repeat the process!
See how easy that was? 9 steps later, and you conquered the workday like a boss.
Bonus video of the boss who helped revolutionize hip-hop: R.I.P. MCA
*An additional step, for the less fortunate than moi: Dry heave in the ladies’ room, silently praying the girl in the next stall judges you less for the gagging and more for your desperate need of pedicure.