It’s my BIRTHWEEK! The threat of thunderstorms all weekend don’t have me worried. I’m American after all, and these colors don’t run. In case you couldn’t tell, my patriotism hits an all-time obnoxious high this time every year. Brace yourselves.
- Star-Spangled Hammered Tank Top: Look Human has a ridiculous array of funny, funky fashions — and this tee will let me show off the guns for the 4th.
- Crocheted Flag Vest with Fringe. Yeah.: Over that tank will be this little beauty. Please hold your applause. And don’t worry, Mom. I’ll be wearing jorts to cover my American pie.
- American Flag Flask: What better way to say ‘Merica than with this patriotic flask? It also promises to help you forget the World Cup loss our guys had last night. But damn, does it taste like freedom.
- Macy’s 4th of July Fireworks: In all seriousness, you guys should totally check out NBC’s broadcast (or see them live in NYC!) on Friday at 8 p.m. EST. We’ve got tons of performers … pay special attention to the audience during Miranda Lambert’s songs. Just sayin’.
As everyone knows by now, Christina Aguilera totally dumped all over the national anthem at this year’s Superbowl. While I applaud Miss Aguilera for her impromptu creativity, it wasn’t the best botch I’ve seen. Since employing a teleprompter during this time-honored tradition is all too logical, I present my favorite flops of our national anthem:
The One Where Mo Cheeks Saves the Day During NBA Playoffs
13-year-old Natalie Gilbert was sick, but she didn’t want to let that stop her from belting it out. Mo Cheeks came to Natalie’s side, Dirk Nowitzki later gave her a high five and she’s since proven her knowledge of the star-spangled song in a web redemption on “Tosh.0.” Not bad, Natalie.
The One Where Roseanne Proves Her Voice Is NOT Her Worst Quality
Forgetting the words is bad. Forgetting the words AND subjecting everyone to a high-pitched, tone-deaf rendition? Just stop. I thought the old adage was “elephants never forget” but Miss Barr has proven it quite wrong.
The One Where the Girl Fails … and Falls
It’s pretty patriotic to forget the lyrics and excuse yourself out of embarrassment, rather than continue. But nothing says “America” like coming back to redeem yourself and busting it completely. This one wins over my humor and my heart.
In short, would it really be that difficult to get the words on a scrolling screen at major sporting events? It doesn’t have to be for the Table Tennis Championships (because let’s be honest, who watches that?) but the Superbowl, the World Series, the Stanley Cup … let’s get on it, Amurica.
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