I was watching a Bachelor in Paradise wedding and thinking to myself: “What in the actual f—?”
Not because the two villains from their seasons found love with each other.
Not because the reality of reality TV is these people DM each other away from cameras (and Stagecoach was apparently LIT).
And certainly not because I spent last night speed dating (for the story, duh) and walked away with new female friends but no romantic prospects.
I thought WTF because a year ago, the two newlyweds had just met and that means that truly anything can happen in just 365 days.
It’s weirdly beautiful how much can change in a year’s time.
Chris Harrison or not, life has its fair share of drama, its ups and downs. Where you are today isn’t permanent — even if you want it to be. We are constantly changing (for better or worse) and even the most deeply rooted habits or feelings can dissolve or evolve over time.
The important thing, I think, is to do your best with each day you have. Notice the impermanence without judgment. If you feel stuck, remember the only constant is change.
All this philosophizing is brought to you partly by Paradise and partly by the hurricane headed toward my home state. Talk about finding love in a hopeless place, amirite?
If I’m completely honest, I thought it was Thursday until about 10 minutes ago. There are plenty of reasons my brain isn’t functioning properly but I’ll save you all those and just blame it on the rain.
When all else fails and I just need something to distract myself from failure, I turn to none other than SNL.
So please enjoy this tribute to Celebrity Jeopardy from circa 2014 and laugh along with me long enough to forget it’s Wednesday, too.
There there, stock photo girl.
Down in the dumps after being dumped? Dry those mascara tears and listen up: This step-by-step guide guarantees* you’ll win the breakup (which should obviously be your top priority).
Step 1: Get dumped. If you must do the breaking-up, fine, but know you won’t win any sympathy points if you’re the dumper. On the flip side, bonus sympathy points if you’re dumped the night before a couples’ trip for your birthday.
Step 2: Debate internally about posting a public statement. Decide not to, then regret it every time yet another friend asks about your (ex) significant other. Feel like a total dick until you finally post a public blog about it.
Step 3: Feel like a total dick for posting a public blog about it.
I think I just found my Halloween costume.
Step 4: Say “yes” to all social activities. Join local organizations, such as Junior League or your sorority’s alumnae board. Volunteer. Go to the gym. Attend concerts. Get out of the damn house.
Step 5: Create a girl-power playlist. Yes, even if you’re a dude. If you’re too lazy to create one — like you’re sooo busy now — borrow one.
Step 6: Watch “The First Wives Club.” Watch it again. Put on a white skirt- or pantsuit. If you haven’t sashayed and belted out “You Don’t Own Me,” what kind of monster are you?
Step 7: Take this BuzzFeed quiz to see if you are, in fact, winning the breakup. No matter the result, you can pretend you got this:
Step 7a: DO NOT POST YOUR QUIZ RESULTS.
Step 8: Try your damndest to be genuinely happy for them and find happiness in yourself, too. Understand that your time will come — or it won’t — but feeling sorry for yourself isn’t going to help anyone, least of all you.
Did I miss any crucial steps? What are your tips for surviving a breakup, let alone “winning” one? Let me know in the comments below!
*Oh, honey. No guarantees.
You’re familiar with brain freeze, right? When you enjoy an ice-cold beverage or treat too fast, and your brain starts throbbing so much that it feels like it’s going to explode out of your head?
So that happened to me, since I thought today was Tuesday until about 10 minutes ago. Blame it on the brain freeze, but certainly not on my team’s offsite to Anchor Steam Brewery this afternoon.
In any event, here’s a relevant video — that has fluffy cats in it — to further drive home my point. Sorry, kids. I’ll have BIG news next week, for sure 🙂
Are y’all ready for this? You read that right, I’ve gone back to my southern roots for this week’s obsessions. Git along, little dogies.
- Bible App: Easter was 60 days ago, and I know this because that’s the day I committed to a 60-day New Testament reading plan with my Bible app. I love that I get my spiritual fill in 10–15 minutes a day, and you can make fun images out of verses you enjoy.
- Nashville: What do you do when you’re feeling sorry for yourself after neglecting to make Memorial Day plans? Tack yourself onto a girls’ trip to Nashville and book your flight six days in advance. Crazy, but true. Can’t wait to kick up my boots with some of my fave gal pals, even if the ABC show was canceled mercilessly.
- Trick Dog: This bar has an obnoxious menu, and I admittedly wasn’t crazy-impressed during my first visit in February. But a friend and I stumbled upon it last weekend, and I absolutely enjoyed our experience. The steak tartare, “manimal” fries and Loch Ness “Monster” are all must-tries.
- Chewbacca Mom’s Carpool: I’m sure you’ve seen the Chewbacca Mom video, which is officially the most-watched Facebook Live post ever. Candace’s laugh is contagious, and her simple mantra to enjoy the simple things is exactly what we all need to heed. Enjoy her follow-up video, courtesy of cult hit “Carpool Karaoke.”
A fluffy furball, an awards ceremony to remember, an extra day to do something and a rant to end all rants. I’d say it’s a pretty good week!
- This Puppy with Braces: Brace yourself. (Yeah, I went there.) Wesley is a six-month-old golden retriever suffering from teething problems and pain. Luckily, his owner, Molly Moore, is the daughter of a veterinarian who specializes in dentistry. Voila! Cutest damn metal mouth you’ve ever seen. Now this is a “break the Internet” trend I can appreciate.
- The 88th Annual Academy Awards: Despite boycotts and ultimately, historically low viewership, this year’s Oscars provided difficult — yet necessary — commentary. From lack of diversity to sexual abuse, environmental impact and more, Chris Rock et al. were not afraid to go there. If only our Presidential candidates could speak so passionately and maintain their dignity.
- Leap Day: What else am I late to the game to comment on? February 29 was Leap Day, AKA an extra day to get shit done and be amazing. Of course, it was a Monday, so I grumbled through my morning routine and was exhausted by dinnertime. All I can say is, I’m glad it’s only every four years (and the next one’s a Saturday)!
- “Last Week Tonight” Makes Donald Drumpf Again: I often refrain from public commentary about politics and absolutely refuse to tolerate disrespectful comments about this. Take 20 minutes with John Oliver’s brilliant takedown of Donald Trump and recognize the reality we face with this election. I’m not into scare tactics, but let’s prevent a living nightmare.
I’ve got a fever and the only prescription is not, in fact, more cowbell. Being sick in December is litchrlly the worst, but here’s what I’m doing to keep calm and carry on:
- #AllTreesAreBeautiful: After many people took to Twitter complaining about the shape of their Reese’s Christmas Trees this year, the brand responded with a call to end “tree shaming” and it was glorious! Check out some of the highlights here.
- “Love Actually”: In my humble opinion, there is no better holiday movie. Sure, we all enjoy “Home Alone” and “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” but it doesn’t get any more festive, actually, than Hugh Grant dancing around 10 Downing Street.
- “Billy on the Street” with Will Ferrell: Here’s two guys who are likely to disagree with my previous statements. And that’s OK — because they’re at their best when yelling at innocent people in NYC. Fa-la-freaking-la.
- Las Vegas: I’m suuuper pumped to spend part of next week in Vegas for my cousin’s bachelor/ette party! The sights, the slots, the spirits… hope Sin City is ready for some naughty troublemakers right before Christmas!
Was last week a whirlwind for you all, too? Even with Thursday off from work, I can’t quite believe how fast Thanksgiving came and went. Oh, and it’s December. Where does the time ever go?
- “The Talented Mr. Ripley”: Speaking of time, step back to the 1950s (or 1999, because that’s how far behind I am) and soak up this thrilling tale of deception and lust. The book was better — yes, I’m an asshole — but the movie is pretty damn good.
- Ryan Gosling Hosts SNL: If time continues to move at warp speed, then Christmas come early indeed. My love for The Gos has become a parody at the office, but my excitement for Saturday is fully genuine. Here’s hoping there’s at least one shirtless sketch!
- “California Christmastime” – “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend”: This CW show continues to surprise me week after week, and this finale number from Monday’s episode was another showstopper. It’s a little more referential to SoCal than San Francisco, but all Californians alike are finding ourselves.
- Spiced Pork, Squash & White Bean Soup: I’ve obsessed over Blue Apron for most of this year, and there are often recipes I’d repeat again. But never have I felt so compelled to share — this soup not only made about five servings, but it was so easy to make (once you hack through the squash)! Enjoy 🙂
11/11: Make a wish! Or, you could consider one of these more productive ideas 😉
- Veterans’ Day: I say it every year, but today is just one opportunity of many to thank the servicemen and women who sacrifice it all to serve our country. I’m fortunate to know many active and retired military members, whom I can’t thank enough. I won’t get on a soapbox, but the freedoms we’re fortunate enough to enjoy come at a hefty cost — so JUST DO IT.
- Coffee Cups Cause Commotion: Surely, we have better things to do with our time than debate a coffee cup and its “hidden meaning.” I’m a Christian, and I celebrate Christmas because of Christ — not because of a billion-dollar company’s alleged agenda to take down Jesus. Unfortunately, it’s another example of a few bad apples (or pumpkin spices?) spoiling the bunch.
- Blue Apron Donates Thanksgiving Dinner: It’s no secret I love Blue Apron for its (literally) life-changing service, but here’s another reason to obsess. Now, you can donate your Thanksgiving box of food OR an additional box (and still receive your own). Either way, Blue Apron will match all donations to help feed local families in need! You can donate now until noon ET on November 20.
- “Hotline Bling” Parody – SNL: Last week’s SNL episode, hosted by Donald Trump, left much to be desired… until this ridiculously silly parody popped up. I’m still laughing so hard, I cry — not sure if that says more about the video or me. Either way, enjoy!