There there, stock photo girl.
Down in the dumps after being dumped? Dry those mascara tears and listen up: This step-by-step guide guarantees* you’ll win the breakup (which should obviously be your top priority).
Step 1: Get dumped. If you must do the breaking-up, fine, but know you won’t win any sympathy points if you’re the dumper. On the flip side, bonus sympathy points if you’re dumped the night before a couples’ trip for your birthday.
Step 2: Debate internally about posting a public statement. Decide not to, then regret it every time yet another friend asks about your (ex) significant other. Feel like a total dick until you finally post a public blog about it.
Step 3: Feel like a total dick for posting a public blog about it.
I think I just found my Halloween costume.
Step 4: Say “yes” to all social activities. Join local organizations, such as Junior League or your sorority’s alumnae board. Volunteer. Go to the gym. Attend concerts. Get out of the damn house.
Step 5: Create a girl-power playlist. Yes, even if you’re a dude. If you’re too lazy to create one — like you’re sooo busy now — borrow one.
Step 6: Watch “The First Wives Club.” Watch it again. Put on a white skirt- or pantsuit. If you haven’t sashayed and belted out “You Don’t Own Me,” what kind of monster are you?
Step 7: Take this BuzzFeed quiz to see if you are, in fact, winning the breakup. No matter the result, you can pretend you got this:
Step 7a: DO NOT POST YOUR QUIZ RESULTS.
Step 8: Try your damndest to be genuinely happy for them and find happiness in yourself, too. Understand that your time will come — or it won’t — but feeling sorry for yourself isn’t going to help anyone, least of all you.
Did I miss any crucial steps? What are your tips for surviving a breakup, let alone “winning” one? Let me know in the comments below!
*Oh, honey. No guarantees.
You’re familiar with brain freeze, right? When you enjoy an ice-cold beverage or treat too fast, and your brain starts throbbing so much that it feels like it’s going to explode out of your head?
So that happened to me, since I thought today was Tuesday until about 10 minutes ago. Blame it on the brain freeze, but certainly not on my team’s offsite to Anchor Steam Brewery this afternoon.
In any event, here’s a relevant video — that has fluffy cats in it — to further drive home my point. Sorry, kids. I’ll have BIG news next week, for sure 🙂
Are y’all ready for this? You read that right, I’ve gone back to my southern roots for this week’s obsessions. Git along, little dogies.
- Bible App: Easter was 60 days ago, and I know this because that’s the day I committed to a 60-day New Testament reading plan with my Bible app. I love that I get my spiritual fill in 10–15 minutes a day, and you can make fun images out of verses you enjoy.
- Nashville: What do you do when you’re feeling sorry for yourself after neglecting to make Memorial Day plans? Tack yourself onto a girls’ trip to Nashville and book your flight six days in advance. Crazy, but true. Can’t wait to kick up my boots with some of my fave gal pals, even if the ABC show was canceled mercilessly.
- Trick Dog: This bar has an obnoxious menu, and I admittedly wasn’t crazy-impressed during my first visit in February. But a friend and I stumbled upon it last weekend, and I absolutely enjoyed our experience. The steak tartare, “manimal” fries and Loch Ness “Monster” are all must-tries.
- Chewbacca Mom’s Carpool: I’m sure you’ve seen the Chewbacca Mom video, which is officially the most-watched Facebook Live post ever. Candace’s laugh is contagious, and her simple mantra to enjoy the simple things is exactly what we all need to heed. Enjoy her follow-up video, courtesy of cult hit “Carpool Karaoke.”
A fluffy furball, an awards ceremony to remember, an extra day to do something and a rant to end all rants. I’d say it’s a pretty good week!
- This Puppy with Braces: Brace yourself. (Yeah, I went there.) Wesley is a six-month-old golden retriever suffering from teething problems and pain. Luckily, his owner, Molly Moore, is the daughter of a veterinarian who specializes in dentistry. Voila! Cutest damn metal mouth you’ve ever seen. Now this is a “break the Internet” trend I can appreciate.
- The 88th Annual Academy Awards: Despite boycotts and ultimately, historically low viewership, this year’s Oscars provided difficult — yet necessary — commentary. From lack of diversity to sexual abuse, environmental impact and more, Chris Rock et al. were not afraid to go there. If only our Presidential candidates could speak so passionately and maintain their dignity.
- Leap Day: What else am I late to the game to comment on? February 29 was Leap Day, AKA an extra day to get shit done and be amazing. Of course, it was a Monday, so I grumbled through my morning routine and was exhausted by dinnertime. All I can say is, I’m glad it’s only every four years (and the next one’s a Saturday)!
- “Last Week Tonight” Makes Donald Drumpf Again: I often refrain from public commentary about politics and absolutely refuse to tolerate disrespectful comments about this. Take 20 minutes with John Oliver’s brilliant takedown of Donald Trump and recognize the reality we face with this election. I’m not into scare tactics, but let’s prevent a living nightmare.
I’ve got a fever and the only prescription is not, in fact, more cowbell. Being sick in December is litchrlly the worst, but here’s what I’m doing to keep calm and carry on:
- #AllTreesAreBeautiful: After many people took to Twitter complaining about the shape of their Reese’s Christmas Trees this year, the brand responded with a call to end “tree shaming” and it was glorious! Check out some of the highlights here.
- “Love Actually”: In my humble opinion, there is no better holiday movie. Sure, we all enjoy “Home Alone” and “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” but it doesn’t get any more festive, actually, than Hugh Grant dancing around 10 Downing Street.
- “Billy on the Street” with Will Ferrell: Here’s two guys who are likely to disagree with my previous statements. And that’s OK — because they’re at their best when yelling at innocent people in NYC. Fa-la-freaking-la.
- Las Vegas: I’m suuuper pumped to spend part of next week in Vegas for my cousin’s bachelor/ette party! The sights, the slots, the spirits… hope Sin City is ready for some naughty troublemakers right before Christmas!
Was last week a whirlwind for you all, too? Even with Thursday off from work, I can’t quite believe how fast Thanksgiving came and went. Oh, and it’s December. Where does the time ever go?
- “The Talented Mr. Ripley”: Speaking of time, step back to the 1950s (or 1999, because that’s how far behind I am) and soak up this thrilling tale of deception and lust. The book was better — yes, I’m an asshole — but the movie is pretty damn good.
- Ryan Gosling Hosts SNL: If time continues to move at warp speed, then Christmas come early indeed. My love for The Gos has become a parody at the office, but my excitement for Saturday is fully genuine. Here’s hoping there’s at least one shirtless sketch!
- “California Christmastime” – “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend”: This CW show continues to surprise me week after week, and this finale number from Monday’s episode was another showstopper. It’s a little more referential to SoCal than San Francisco, but all Californians alike are finding ourselves.
- Spiced Pork, Squash & White Bean Soup: I’ve obsessed over Blue Apron for most of this year, and there are often recipes I’d repeat again. But never have I felt so compelled to share — this soup not only made about five servings, but it was so easy to make (once you hack through the squash)! Enjoy 🙂