How “Jersey Shore” Changed My Life

Tonight is the premiere of the sixth and final season of MTV’s “Jersey Shore.” A show that defined many college nights (and drinking games, as a result), I’m sad to say farewell to my favorite guidos and guidettes. Are they ridiculous? Absolutely. But they’ve changed my life in so many ways:

Every house should have a duck phone: Snooki struggling with the duck phone in the first season remains one of my favorite moments from the years. I hear eBay has a nice selection.


FPC is the only way to be: Fist pump, Push up, Chapstick isn’t just a motto, it’s a way of life — and I much prefer it to Gym, Tan, Laundry (GTL). Who wants to do laundry when you can just slather on some sweet lip balm?


Hooking up with roommates is messy: Virtually every cast mate has been with the other, and the only result is massive drama. This isn’t surprising, so much as it is a car wreck you can’t stop watching.


Dissolved my love of leopard: Any appreciation I had for animal print quickly dissipated after seeing Snooki and crew completely wear out the trend. The poof is right up there too.


What REAL drunk and disorderly looks like: I grew up in Daytona, and I went to college … but nothing can quite prepare you for a drunk Deena on the loose (cuca out and all).

Expanded my vocabulary: Among many other words and phrases, I am now familiar with these JS-ims: grenade (ugly person, usually girl), smush (have sex), cuca (lady bits), gorilla juicehead (buff dude, without brains).

How to be the “the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet”: It’s Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola’s trademark line, but I didn’t get it until we were a few seasons in. She’s a whole new level of cray cray.


No relationship will ever be as f’ed up as Ron and Sam: Speaking of Sammi, her on-again, off-again relationship with Ronnie Ortiz-Magro goes down in history as the most tumultuous of all time. God help us if they ever have kids.


How to goof off at work: Summers at The Shore Store, a gelato shop and pizzeria simply provided endless hours for the cast to goof off. Hiding from the boss, dipping out for a drink, picking up strangers … I’m not even mad, really; I’m impressed.

This is only a small sampling of the life lessons these crazy people have provided. What are your favorite “Jersey Shore” moments?

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About Wittyburg

Sarcastic, sports-obsessed writer & FL native navigating SF.

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  1. WO: Weekly Obsessions « - 10.10.2012

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